Friday, October 27, 2006


Some time ago I signed up with UmmYeah.com and was even spotlighted in its Directory 2.0 a couple of weeks ago. I thought that was cool, but not necessarily link-worthy.

Until I looked up my referral logs today and noticed a new referral:http://ko.ummyeah.com/directory2/politics. Apparently the Korean version of Directory 2.0 found something worth linking. Unfortunately, even with the Google translation, I don't have a clue what they're talking about. I think I'm being described as a broken-hearted progressive. Or something.

But I love that the title of the blog has been translated as, "All funs of the thing which is fair..." Because I'm all about things being fun and fair...

Thursday, October 26, 2006

not quite real... 

That's what today feels like: not quite real.

It's been an exceptionally slow day here. I was very warm in my cube and falling asleep at my desk, so I got up and broke my two recents vows - no caffeine and no soda - in one fell swoop by going to the cafeteria and getting a mix of Barq's root beer and Mr. Pibb. Sickeningly sweet, I know, but something drastic had to be done. I needed something cold and wet and caffeinated. That's what called out to me as I stood in front of the soda machine.

I think about HSTeacher and there's a part of me that feels as if he's not quite real. I mean, I know that he is. When we're together? It doesn't get any more real. And when we're apart, I have many pieces of evidence to prove his realness: text messages and voicemails on my cell phone; emails in my inbox; the iPod in my purse; this wonderful warm feeling that rises up in my chest and spreads a smile on my face - these are but a few of the bits of evidence floating about that prove he's as real as real gets. Not to mention actual photos of us together.

As I said, the man is damned real.

And yet...

Why do I feel today as if he's just a fantasy I dreamed up? That I'm going to wake up any minute now and poof! I'll be where I was last winter: unemployed, in my old North Hollywood apartment, with no gentleman on the horizon and coming to terms with the fact I'd be alone for the rest of my life.

I think it's because I'm fricking tired right now. Nothing can seem real when eyelids want to close and body wants to curl up on the floor and float Z's in the air.

But I also think it's because I was without someone for so long. Almost nine and a half years. I spent pretty much all of my 30s without a relationship and now I'm learning to flex emotional muscles that hadn't been flexed in ages. Luckily I haven't entirely forgotten how. It's almost like riding a bicycle - I haven't fallen off too often. At least, not yet.

I gotta say, HSTeacher has perfect timing. As I was typing this out he returned a text message I'd sent him earlier. He's pretty tuned into me, so perhaps he realized on some level that, as I was questioning his and my reality, he needed to furnish proof. Boy's got skillz. Or just is really good with coincidences.

No matter. I know that someday this nebulous feeling will evaporate. I know that I'll finally accept that I'm not too high maintenance - at least not for him - and that love has every right to exist in my life. I know that I'll stop being amazed when I tell him that I love him or hear him tell me that he loves me. I hope that I don't lose the wonder of love, but the amazement, the "there is no way this is happening - to me" sense will become an everyday beauty.

Until then, I'll just have to keep looking at his picture. And reminding myself, "We're real."

dartin' in... 

...and out again.

Too tired to write properly, so two quick links:

* My premiere on The Membrane has been uploaded by the marvelous Mr. Amaya. Check it out - it's a great episode. I'm not just saying that, either. I think y'all will enjoy it. And if you can figure out which voice is mine, let me know and I'll tell you if you're right.

* As part of the Endorsement Committee for SoCal Grassroots, I've actually - for the first time ever, I'm sorry to say - read the details of the propositions I'll be voting for in a little over a week. Not that I haven't tried to read the voter guides put out by the Secretary of State in the past. I have. But the dense writing just messed with my delicate little mind. Now after serving on a committee with people who have been doing this sort of thing for years - decades even - I have a better understanding of the language involved.

All of this is a set-up to introduce you to the SoCal Grassroots Voter Guide. You may or may not agree with our recommendations, but I have to say, I'm pretty much in line with what we've come up with. None of it was rushed - our discussions were long, involved and, on occasion, heated. As were the discussions of the Coordinating Committee when the Endorsement Committee brought the consent calendar for acceptance.

There are a couple of recommendations that are surprising, especially for a progressive group such as ours, but they were arrived at with due thought and diligence.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Last week I urged y'all to vote for California Secretary of State candidate Debra Bowen on Russ Feingold's Progressive Patriots Fund site so that she could get a donation of $5,000 for her campaign.

Well, she didn't come out as the top vote getter. That honor went to Jennifer Brunner, who is running for SoS in Ohio. Not surprising, actually, considering all the voter fraud in Ohio that is coming to light from the 2004 presidential campaign.

However, it seems that Debra Bowen did get enough voted to be in the top five (out of a field of eight), which means that the PPF is donating to her candidacy. That makes me happy. She deserves every penny she can get.

Monday, October 23, 2006

we had quizzes in the sun... 

Your Inner Child Is Happy

You see life as simple, and simple is a very good thing.
You're cheerful and upbeat, taking everything as it comes.
And you decide not to worry, even when things look bad.
You figure there's just so many great things to look forward to.
How Is Your Inner Child?

Your Aura is Violet

Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world.
And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it!

The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say

Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony

Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach
What Color Is Your Aura?

You Are Lisa Simpson

A total child prodigy and super genius, you have the mind for world domination.

But you prefer world peace, Buddhism, and tofu dogs.

You will be remembered for: all your academic accomplishments

Your life philosophy: "I refuse to believe that everybody refuses to believe the truth"
The Simpsons Personality Test

what now? 

So on Friday I was plugging along at work, just minding my own business, when BigBoss (who had been out Monday through Thursday, as well as all the previous week) called me into his office. I had an inkling that something was up, as I had seen a series of people file into and out of his office that normally don't show up in that area.

I went into his office, closed the door and sat at the table, joining him and our program office's administrative manager. He faced me and, as is his nature, he got straight to the point (that's one of the things I like about him):

"Carol, starting Monday we're going to have to move you to another desk for two weeks."

I think I just stared at him, my eyebrows raising, then I looked at AdministrativeManager. She smiled slightly.

He continued. "After that, we may not have anything for you for two weeks, but we'll try to bring you back. I promise."

He swore up and down that it had nothing to do with me, but he couldn't tell me what was happening - I had a feeling that his hands were legally tied about something. I just absorbed the information the two of them were telling me. But he wasn't happy about the latest developments, as he told me outright that I was the best secretary he'd ever had. My face must have betrayed my disbelief. I don't think I'm a bad secretary, but I don't think I'm that fantastic - though when I told HSTeacher this on Friday evening told me to stop with the overanalyzing and just accept the compliment. But when BigBoss saw the expression on my face, he said, "No really. I'm not exaggerating."

I was also asked to remove all evidence of my presence at the desk, which took a few hours. My cubemate - who had proceeded me in BigBoss' office, looked distinctly unhappy when I exited and started the Evidence Eradication process - I could tell that they gave her more info than they gave me.

I have since learned why things were so rushed and why the specifics of my existence at that desk needed to be erased. I can't give details here, but it is completely understandable. And the fact that another secretary went on vacation in another program office was a bit of serendipity. BigBoss and others are working hard to keep me around the lab, which is very much appreciated. I just hope that things work out - I really liked working where I was working and I'd hate to not be able to go back.

But, as Boychik said when I gave him the news, the fact that I have someone of BigBoss' level here pulling for me so completely will mean that, even if I can't go back to work for him, he will do what he can to make sure that something is found for me. I think that I am going to land on my feet here.

I just hate the sensation of falling in the meantime.


As always, the weekend was good. Spent it with HSTeacher and had a great time. Dinner with the man on Friday night, dogwalking and coffee drinking and puttering around his place on Saturday, with him cleaning and doing laundry while worked on political website stuff for a few hours. I loved that part - it was so domestic. The few domestic cells in my body reveled in it. Then Saturday night the two of us went to a dinner party thrown by ModelGirl and her hubby (they are almost as in love with HSTeacher as I am) and stayed until almost 5am on Sunday.

We slept in super late on Sunday - well, he did. My phone rang and woke me up after about three hours of sleep, but didn't disturb him a bit. I couldn't fall back to sleep, so I just cuddled up to him until he woke up three hours later. It's so nice to have someone to cuddle up to again. And cuddling with HSTeacher is a very excellent thing.

When we finally left bed on Sunday we had breakfast, hung out with a friend of his, napped a little, then we rode on his Harley along the coast a bit and took pictures of us at the coast. It was all very nice.

It wasn't perfect - we discovered a point of contention between us that had been mentioned before, but hadn't really been addressed. But we talked about it calmly, let each other know about our feelings and thoughts in the matter, and came to an understanding. It was a very good thing.


BTW, check out these pictures:

Getting a little windy near the Pacific...

That's my sweetie! He's so cute. I love his smile.

Okay, fine, we make a cute couple. Tell me something I don't know...

Friday, October 20, 2006

debra bowen: she does an electorate good... 

*pulls out the political soapbox, steps up confidently*

I don't do a heck of a lot of political posts on here anymore, since that jones is satisfied by the SoCal Grassroots blog. However, SoCal Grassroots is a Political Action Committee and since the subject of my post involves another Political Action Committee, I thought I'd bring this over here, as posting over there could be construed to be one PAC attempting to influence another. Such a thing is considered bad form and I have no desire to do anything that would reflect badly on my beloved SoCal Grassroots.

Here in California, we have a wonderful woman running for Secretary of State: State Senator Debra Bowen. The first time I met her was at the 2005 California Democratic Party Convention in Los Angeles. Though I didn't say more than two words to her, I was very impressed by her bearing and her stand on many electoral issues facing Californians. I met her again at a Democratic awards brunch some months later, where she happened to sit next to me. We chatted for about fifteen minutes or so, then she had to leave. Again, her command of the purview of Secretary of State was all-encompassing.

I have since met Debra several times, including when she came to speak to the SCG Endorsement Committee. There is no candidate more perfect for her chosen seat than Debra Bowen for California Secretary of State. Damn near every bill that she has written, co-written, sponsored, or had any thing to do with has been in service to governmental transparency, election reform and consumer rights, as well as protecting the environment. Debra was the first State-wide official to post her voting record on the internet.

Debra is currently ahead in the polls, but by a very slim margin. Unfortunately her opponent, current Secretary of State Bruce McPherson (a Republican who was appointed to the office by Schwarzenegger when the previous SoS - Democrat Kevin Shelley - was pushed out of the job under suspicious circumstances) has more name recognition, if only because his name is the one that appears on all official election materials.

McPherson hasn't been an awful SoS, but he's allowed Diebold, as well as various county registrars, to run right over him, in an effort to make his job - and theirs - easier, without taking into account that making things convenient isn't always in the best interest of the electorate. McPherson simply isn't up to the job.

Bowen realizes that democracy isn't easy and it isn't convenient - that it's something to work for and fight for - and she is more than willing to fight for it every step of the way.

And now I come to the point of this entry. Russ Feingold and his Progressive Patriots Fund are looking to give $5,000 to a candidate for Secretary of State and Debra Bowen is first and foremost on the list. I urge everyone to please vote for Debra Bowen. She needs every bit of money she can get to pull this race off.

Do it for Debra, man. Do it for California.

*steps down from soapbox, tucks it under the sofa*

Thursday, October 19, 2006

what took so long? 

Andromeda has itself a violent collision over 210 million years ago and we're only now hearing about it?

Damned mainstream media - always suppressing real news. Yeesh.

(BTW, Boychik - the man responsible for introducing me to JPL - works on the Spitzer program. He's not responsible for that incredibly gorgeous photo up top, but it's still pretty cool, even if I don't understand what he's doing.)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

the fate of worlds... 

One never knows what an IM conversation will yield. It may inadvertently place the fate of innocent planets in the hands of madmen. Or bored office workers:

me: How're ya holding up?
jim.etchison: Good!
jim.etchison: PM Hey, did you read my friend's idea about submitting a bill where the FCC would mandate that no news programs be subject to ratings?
me: I did read that, actually, I think that would be an excellent idea. I wonder if the Congress as it's currently forned would go for it, though. Hopefully Dems will take at least one (if not both) the House and Senate in a few weeks. *crosses fingers* Then it might have a chance at passing.
jim.etchison: So how do I write a bill and pass it through congress? LOL
me: Hee! Good luck with that! Got any congress folks you can blackmail? That'll be a good start.
jim.etchison: ROFL
me: I work at a place that is one of top technological institutions in the world. You think they'd get the air conditioning/heating working.
jim.etchison: which institution is that?
jim.etchison: Oh yeah, JPL
me: Unfortunately I think they're using something that was considered space-age back in the 60s. Maybe even the 70s.
me: Damned non-profits.
jim.etchison: But still. You work with Mars and shit.
me: Dude, Mars rawks! I still miss Pluto, though. My poor, poor Pluto...
jim.etchison: Take heart. Pluto won't know of its status change for 3 or 4 Pluto-years.
jim.etchison: He's happily orbiting our sun thinking he's a planet.
me: Yabbut, it's still wrong.
me: But what about all those poor Scorpios? They've lost their ruling planet!
jim.etchison: OMG! I totally never thought about that!
me: See? I mean, when's your b-day?
jim.etchison: Jan 14
jim.etchison: I'm a Capricorn, but all my planets are in Uranus.
jim.etchison: heh
me: Capricorn! Rawk on!
me: Hardee har har.
me: BTW, my new BF? Also a Cap - Jan 11.
me: My dear friend [MusicianMan](whom you met at my b-day party last year) - also a Cap at Jan 12.
jim.etchison: WooHoo! we rock
me: Imagine if they said Saturn was no longer a planet. Wouldn't you feel unrooted?
me: At least no one's gonna touch my Venus...
me: Wait, that came out wrong.
jim.etchison: heheh
jim.etchison: My planet is Saturn?
me: Yep! You're saturnine.
jim.etchison: But wait ... there are 12 zodiacal symbols. Do I share Saturn with any non-Capricorns?
me: Nope, Capricorns get Saturn all to themselves.
me: The sun and moon are also included. Sun=Leo and Moon=Cancer.
jim.etchison: And we have the prettiest planet.
jim.etchison: That's still only 11
jim.etchison: Is the earth one?
me: Nu'uh! Venus is way prettier.
me: I can't remember - hang on...
me: It looks like Mercury does double duty, which I didn't realize: Gemini and Virgo. That surprises me.
me: That's right - Earth wouldn't be a ruling planet because we're born on Earth - it's not in the heavens/starscape when we're born.
jim.etchison: If the universe were a corporation, it would assign all the Scorpios to Mercury as well.
me: Poor Mercury is overloaded as it is! Which is why you're right.
jim.etchison: Mercury is obviously the planet that is "picked on." Can you imagine if Pluto had had two zodiacal groups to care for?
me: It's just a teeny planet - it couldn't have taken it. Now, Jupiter - there's a plant that can take on multiple signs.
me: Check this out: http://www.astrology-numerology.com/symbols.html
jim.etchison:Anyway, taking on a 3rd group would represent only a 33% increase in duties. For any other planet, it would be a 50% increase, so obviously that would have the lowest impact.
jim.etchison: I smell a blog posting.
me: For you or me? Because I was thinking about posting this lil' chat, if you don't mind...
jim.etchison: Whaaaa!
me: What?
jim.etchison: OK, you can have it.
jim.etchison: I had already started writing the e-mail from the universe to Mercury. LOL
me: You can write that and post it and I'll be lazy and post this chat and link to your email!
jim.etchison: heheh
jim.etchison: deal
me: We're playing with the futures of planets, ya know...
me: But I'm sure Mercury will thank you.
jim.etchison: we'll see. LOL
jim.etchison: Oh but wait
jim.etchison: didn't we inherit a new planet?
me: Nope, don't think so.
me: Xena (aka UB 133 - I think) is in the same classification as Pluto.
me: BTW, you Caps? Big ol' thumbs up from me.
jim.etchison: Capricorns are the best ... and I have the added complication of (honestly) having ALL my planets in the opposite part of the universe, which gives me an extremely high-level viewpoint, but able to be extremely balanced.
me: Well, I don't know about the best (we Taureans rock the hizzouse, baby), but y'all are cool.
jim.etchison:I should be the freaking president.
me: Go for it!
me: See, I tend to be pretty balanced as well. I used to think my rising sign was Libra, because I can usually see both sides to the majority of issues, but I found out that I have four planets in earth signs, four in water, one in air and one in fire. So basically I'm mud, but I'm very balanced mud. And my rising sign is Virgo.
me: Well, gotta be going now - have an excellent evening!
jim.etchison: posted


g-d bless lily st. quiz... 

Sweet Transvestite

You scored 85%

Wow. You probably know more than I do about the movie. Congratulations. Now get a life.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 78% on points

Link: The Rocky Horror Picture Show Test written by Ewic on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

yeah, right... 

"I'm going to bed early tonight!"

How many times have I said those words over the last couple of weeks? Don't know. Lost count. And always something happens that prevents it: errands to be run after work, political stuff to do, calls to make, Daily Show and Colbert Report to watch. I just can't seem to get to bed before 11:30pm (on a good night). And since I'm supposed to be up by 5:30am and out of the house by 6:30amm well, you can imagine how tired I get. (You can also imagine how many times I don't make it out of the house by 6:30am.)

So the last two nights, I finally made it to bed early - Monday around 8:30pm and last night around 9:30pm.


Except, not so much.

Monday I woke up at 10pm, couldn't fall back to sleep, so I called up HSTeacher. I've gotten into the habit of calling him at night, so I'm thinking my subconscious decided that I couldn't properly sleep without talking to him. So I did. Until 11:38pm.

And last night? We spoke around 9pm for only about fifteen minutes (which was fine because we were both tired and he'd had a very long day), then I rolled over and went to sleep. At about 10:30pm my cell phone rang. It was a dear friend I hadn't talked to in a long time, returning my earlier phone call. When we rung off I looked at the time. 11:32pm.

Oy. And vey.

Tonight! Tonight I'm going to sleep ear...

Oh, who am I kidding?

Monday, October 16, 2006

such a weekend... 

There's the good part...and there's the bad part. I'll start with the bad part, because I'd rather leave y'all with an upper:

HSTeacher had to take me to the emergency room on Saturday evening. I was scared, let me tell you. I had a racing heart (HSTeacher and I timed it at about 120 beats a minute at one point - my heart doesn't get that fast even when I work out) and I was feeling very fuzzy and slow, with some tunnel vision and my perception of time and reality completely off. I felt as if I were hyperventilating, but I was having no problems with breathing, so I knew I was getting enough oxygen to my brain. It was very scary.

I gave it about twenty minutes, to see if it were a minor panic attack or something, but it just wouldn't stop. We went outside to get some fresh air, which helped take a tiny bit of the fuzziness away. For about two minutes. Then the fuzziness came back full force, so I asked HSTeacher to call the Kaiser Nurse Advice Line, and after describing my symptoms and my history, they suggested we go to the emergency room, so we did.

We were there for two hours, but most of that wasn't waiting in the waiting room - it was being treated. Everything except my heart seemed fine - blood pressure, oxygen levels, blood work. My heart rate was about 94 when we went in and lowered to 84 by the time we left - it was determined that I was dehydrated, so they gave me an IV that took forever to drip into my arm. That helped a lot, as did HSTeacher trying to distract me with a large number of rather bad jokes. I tried to joke back, but I'm notoriously at remembering jokes, so I just smiled and groaned and even laughed a little.

At one point (before they gave me the IV) I was lying down and the doctor asked me to sit up, whereupon my heart rate jumped - she said that was another indicator of dehydration. After the IV was empty, she had me sit up again and my heart rate stayed steady.

The strange thing is, HSTeacher said that, aside from my racing heart, I seemed completely fine, but there was no way he could tell that I was using all of my concentration to try to stay calm and to sound lucid. I knew I was talking, I knew what I was saying made sense to people hearing me and I remember what I said, but it didn't feel as if I knew what I was actually saying. I've never been dehydrated like that before and I don't know why it hit me so hard and so weirdly. HSTeacher and I had been drinking, but I'd only had one and a half drinks, so I don't think that could have been it. The only thing that was different was that I had had some ibuprofen during the day (one small tablet in the morning and one in the evening) because my arthritic neck had been bothering me off and on all day. I tend to very careful mixing pain relievers and alcohol (as in, I don't), but this one time I may have taken it too close to the drink I'd had with dinner, so there may have been an interaction that exacerbated any dehydration I may have had.

I'm fine now - still a bit tired, as the experience took a lot out of me (I was still exhausted and a bit spacy yesterday), but I'll definitely be okay. I'm going to follow-up with an appointment at a clinic this week, just to make sure everything is okay. Seeing as heart disease runs in the family and I've been diagnosed with costochondritis in the past (not life-threatening at all, but occasionally annoying), I want to keep everything in decent condition.

However, I suspect I'll have to give up caffeine - this morning I had a few sips of a mocha from a coffee cart on-lab and my heart started beating fast again. Nowhere near as bad as Saturday night, but there was a definite difference. It's a good thing I like decaf coffee.

And now, for the good:

HSTeacher and I said those three little words this weekend.

Yep, "How about pizza?"

Okay, maybe not those words. A few weeks ago HSTeacher had told me that he was ready to say that he loved me the first time we made love (he actually said, "I've been thinking those three words since the first time we made love."), but he didn't want to freak me out, knowing how skittish I was, so he didn't say anything. And he was right to wait - I would not have been ready at that time.

Last week I confessed that I'd been thinking those words as well, but I couldn't say them. Well, Saturday during the day, as we were cuddling on his bed, I screwed up my courage and mouthed the words. He mouthed them right back with a huge smile. We've said them a few times since.


It's been a long time since I've spoken those words to a man. I've written them before, but it was to someone who didn't return my feelings, which shattered me pretty badly. So you can imagine that, even with HSTeacher's confession, I was very nervous about actually saying the words, "I love you." Which is why I had to mouth them first.

HSTeacher said that it was a pretty intense weekend, and he was absolutely right.


Friday, October 13, 2006

i'm going to be a STAH! 

Remember when I did some hard pimpin' for my man, Steve Amaya and his oh-so-fabu The Membrane?

Well, it turns out your humble blogger is going to be part of that esteemed podcast. After a lovely dinner last night, Steve and I moseyed over to my abode, whereupon he set up sound equipment and proceeded to record my sparkling remembrances for the sake of posterity. Or future episodes. They're the same, really.

So remember, check out The Membrane. You'll be glad you did.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


<Veruca Salt>

But, Daddy, I want one of those! And I want it NOW!

*stomps foot*

</Veruca Salt>

TONIGHT - Screening of Iraq for Sale: The War Profiteers, featuring a Q &A with filmmaker Robert Greenwald 

I can't believe I didn't write about this earlier. Crossposted from SoCal Grassroots:
A horrifying catalog of greed, corruption and incompetence among private contractors in Iraq, focusing primarily on Halliburton, Blackwater Security Consulting and CACI International.

SoCal Grassroots is hosting a screening of Iraq for Sale with Special Guest, filmmaker Robert Greenwald.

WHAT: Iraq for Sale: The War Profiteers
WHEN: Wednesday, October 11, 2006 - 08:00 PM
WHERE: Fine Arts Theater
8556 Wilshire Blvd. (just west of LaCienega)
Beverly Hills, California 90211

HOSTED BY: SoCal Grassroots.
Tickets are $10

Pay at the door or you can still purchase tickets in advance.
the SoCal Grassroots Act Blue donation page. The requested donation is $10.00.

For more details and to RSVP, please visit:

It's going to be a fascinating evening. If you're interested and don't already have plans for tonight, come and check it out. Plus it's helping to fundraise for the political organization for which I do the most work, SoCal Grassroots.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

verry interestink... 

Rrrowwr! Ovulating women dress to impress

I'd better start charting my clothing choices over the next few weeks. Because in thinking about my wardrobe over the last few weeks, I do recall dressing even more provacatively around HSTeacher during the time I would have been most fertile.

It's a good thing we're otherwise taking precautions...

hee! part deux... 

I think I may be starting a new collection: ultra-nerdy pocket protectors.

See what I got at a promotional table at JPL whilst in the cafeteria:

I don't know why these tickle my fancy as much as they do, but they make me ridiculously happy.

Proof positive that I am way too easily amused...

Monday, October 09, 2006

this just in... 

...from the pages of Duh Magazine:

Be advised, hemorrhoid cream not for the face

Good to know...

my quiz sense is tinglin'... 

Cool! I've always liked this guy. However, two of the questions asked if I wear thongs and push-up bras. As I answered the affirmative for both, well, it made me start wondering about ol' Spidey...

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Wonder Woman
Green Lantern
Iron Man
The Flash
You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Thursday, October 05, 2006


I'm such the little drama queen sometimes. Yeesh!

I am feeling a bit better today. I got a sweet Apple card from HSTeacher that made me all warm and fuzzy today, plus I spied this at the JPL Store:

Yes, that is what you think it is. See?

I'm probably a bit twisted for finding that adorable, but it's a JPL pocket protector! How can a nerd lover like me not fall in smit with it?


Wednesday, October 04, 2006


I ache.

I know - how Gen X of me. I'm verging on emo here.

I'm not talking physical aches, though being sick ensures that I have my share of those.

My heart and my soul ache and I'm not sure why.

It's not depression, I'm pretty sure of that. I've been there before and I know what the symptoms are. At least, I think that I do.

Part of it may be due to being sick. I'll allow that. I'm not at my best right now, my energy is crap and, though I sleep well, I feel as if I don't get enough sleep. Once upon a time six hours a night was plenty for me. I never jumped out of bed, but I was able to get through the day okay. Now? Six hours are far too little.

But I don't think that's everything. I think there's something else happening here. It confuses me, because there are definite positive things in my life.

I'm very happy with HSTeacher. He's an incredible man. I've quickly grown to adore him and I might just be falling for him.

I'm working full time for decent money at an organization that I highly respect, one that happily trips all of my science groupie switches.

I have a roommate whom I genuinely like, even if we do sometimes butt heads because we're both so stubborn.


I've still been feeling down.

I can only see HSTeacher on the weekends, so I miss him terribly during the week. And for some obscene reason, if there's an odd day where I don't communicate with him, either via phone or email, some of my insecurites - which are based on my dating experience over the last nine years - haunt me, making me wonder if he's decided I'm too high maintenance, so he just doesn't want to talk to me. Mind you, there's been nothing he's said or done to logically implant such ideas in my head. And if he did decide something like that, I'm pretty sure he'd tell me, as he places a high premium on communication. Sure, I could call him or initiate emails, and I do, but I actually don't do so as often as I want to because those same insecurities are afraid I'll end up smothering him. Freaking insecurities.

On top of that, a few weeks ago I ran into CuteNerdBoy at Pamie's book signing. He and I have exchanged a couple of emails and blog comments recently, but neither of us told the other we were going to be there. Funny thing is, I suspected he would show up and that he would bring his girlfriend - the one he's been seeing since a month or two after I told him I needed space. I was right on both counts. It was wonderful seeing him again, as I hadn't seen him in over a year, and yes, his girlfriend seems like a good person and once I start acting like an adult, I'll probably like her just fine. But there was still that damned petty voice in my head that groused at her presence. I'll admit, it didn't help that she's more petite than I am. Poor HSTeacher was in the restroom when I ran into them and I ended up calling him on his cell to come join me so I could introduce him. It seemed unbelievably important, nay, imperative, that I introduce HSTeacher to CuteNerdBoy.

I'm glad I ran into CuteNerdBoy, but my slow to heal heart is still betraying me a bit more than I like. Evidence of that can be found in the most recent hit: recently I was following a series of interesting links, just randomly traveling through the web. I landed on a personal travel page - dated December 2005 - whereupon I read that the webmaster and his wife were planning to visit a friend of his. That friend? The Ex. Not only that, but The Ex and his wife had a baby girl at some point.

Stabby stabby in the left ventricle.

Though I'm no longer in love with the man, there is that little part of me that likes to undermine me, saying, "Hey, that was supposed to be my life."

And yet, if that were my life, I'd be shackled to a cowardly milquetoast. An intelligent, funny, talented, good guy for the most part, yes, but still, not the type of man I've since developed a taste for: hyper-smart nerd with definite opinions on politics and spirituality and a bit of an edge. (Even CuteNerdBoy has more edge than The Ex - maybe it's his high snark factor.)

HSTeacher fits that description quite well. I know I wouldn't trade him for anyone. I just wish the overly-tender bits of my heart - the bits that have been a bit pulverized in the past - would stop taking so long to heal already. It's very annoying.

And as for the job, well, I love working at JPL, but I'm a secretary. It's not my pentultimate dream job. I'm not exercising my creative muscles at all, unlike when I was working at the Irish newspaper and for the congressional candidate. I need to remember that I have to stoke my creativity outside of my job again. And perhaps find a way to marry elements of my various passions together.

I still miss Noel. I'm not bursting into tears any longer, but every day I'm reminded that he's not around. That the other cats cannot be him. It still hurts and I don't know when it's going to stop hurting. Since Noel's death, four people who are close to me have lost beloved cats - all but one of whom had been with their owners for a very long time. This was not a trend I wanted to have started.

And my roommate? When we do butt heads, we butt heads hard and it always causes me to wonder if living with him was a good idea after all. Whether it's because I was so used to being completely autonomous for so long or because he genuinely is more stubborn than I am, I'm not sure. It's probably a combination of those two.

On top of that, I think I'm experiencing a minor political burnout, which is why I haven't commented here or on the SoCal Grassroots blog about the most recent scandals. I'm not in the mood to do any more in the political arena than I absolutely have to. I am looking forward to November 8th for many reasons.

Maybe I am skating on the edge of depression. Maybe I'm just physically worn out with illness and tiredness. Maybe PMS is making an early appearance - as it did last month - and wrekcing havoc with my mind and heart and soul. Maybe in a week or two or five I'll be right as rain again, back to my peppy self.

Until then...

...I ache.

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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United States, California, Los Angeles, San Fernando Valley, English, Carol, Female, 36-40.

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