Friday, September 17, 2004

good idea... 

I know I haven't really written anything personal lately, but that's because I'd been living a sort of low-level life recently. Nothing much happening, bored with the same thoughts and feelings that I can never quite seem to banish. But I will say that this whole "taking a break" thing with CuteNerdBoy is an even better idea than I originally thought.

Tuesday was BookCrossing again, and I e-mailed him (first contact in about a month) to let him know I wouldn't be making it and also to arrange mailing a book to him via UPS to give to one of the other BookCrossers (y'all may recall that the last time we tried sending things via UPS, things didn't go so well). Some hours later, when I saw his name in my Inbox, I got all nervous and jittery.

(Only two names in my Inbox ever make me feel that way and the other is a dear friend that used to be a boyfriend many moons ago, but with whom I will always have a strong, rather unusual chemistry. And since neither of us wants to go back to our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship - not to mention the fact he's married - I know it's not because I'm longing to go back to the way we used to be. We're both pretty happy with our current relationship.)

But, yeah, CuteNerdBoy's name in my Inbox brought back all the emotions I was feeling before, emotions that I thought I was starting to get a handle on. And at that moment I was glad I'd decided not to attend the BookCrossing meeting after all, though both he and the other BookCrosser for whom I wished to send the book (who will be referred to as SciFiFriend) expressed that I would be missed.

(Another aside: last month neither CuteNerdBoy or I went to the meeting - it turned out that SciFiFriend didn't make it either. The only person there? Was the BookCrosser I don't like. I know it's very petty of me, and I don't like to be petty, but I smiled a little bit when I read that in SciFiFriend's e-mail.)

CuteNerdBoy asked if, in light of our break, did I still want him to go up to San Francisco for the half-marathon? I told him that, as things stand, my participation in the half-marathon is looking iffy, what with the ankle problems and being dropped from the training program because I didn't raise enough money, which means if I want to go I have to pay for everything myself. But since I still want to do the marathon, I'm going to try to give it a go (please, though, donate still - I'd like to be able to raise some money if possible) and yes, I would still like him there for support. He's really the only person who has said he'd travel up there to cheer me on and I would really like at least one friendly face in the crowd. It would really mean a lot to me.

Upshot: still emotional, still crazy about the boy, still need distance, though it is so very hard. So the break? Very much needed. I just hope (aside from the marathon) it doesn't last for untold months. Because you know what's most difficult? Seeing all the great events that I know he would probably like to check out and not being able to e-mail him to say, "Hey, wanna go?"

It's weird how much less social my life has been since the break has started. Huh.

Though it is starting to heat up again. I don't know what it is, but once again I seem to be putting some strange energy out into the universe. Because I can't quite make out any kind of commonality of the people who have recently expressed some sort of attraction to me.

1) StaplesDeliveryBoy - it started a couple of weeks ago. He showed up to deliver supplies just as I was leaving for lunch and he started joking with me about me taking him to lunch. I told him, "Sorry, I don't have the funds," whereupon he said he'd take me to lunch when he had a day off. At first I thought he was joking, so I responded with, "Sure, that'd be great!" Later I realized that he probably wasn't joking. That was confirmed when showed up twice just to chat with me when he happened to have a delivery in my building and reiterated his promise to take me to lunch. Too bad he seems much younger than me and that I don't find him attractive. *shrug*

2) TribeBoy - recently I signed up with Tribe.Net because it looked interesting and GruvLoungeGoth is a member and has been asked to submit restaurant reviews. So the other day I received an e-mail from a guy with an interesting profile. I responded, he wanted to get together that night. I demurred, as I had a writing group meeting, but mentioned Wednesday might be good. Tuesday night I told Sarriah about it, and when I told her his name she mentioned she had gotten something through Friendster from someone with that name. Different type of e-mail, but definitely the same guy.

Well, I decided to postpone the date until Friday because I wanted to have the option of paying for myself if I felt like it. TribeBoy was a bit pushy at first, but got the hint that it wasn't going to happen Wednesday night. And then Sarriah forwarded me another e-mail from him she received that day that was identical to the one he sent me through Tribe. Yeah. Nevermind the fact that, if he had actually looked at her profile, he would have seen that I was listed as one of her friends on Friendster.

So part of me still wants to go on the date, for several reasons: A) to see how smooth he tries to be, B) to get a little dating practice and C) maybe to let him know that he made some HUGE mistakes. And part of me doesn't want to waste the time. It will be an interesting day, I have no doubt.

3) SarriahNeighbor - last week I went to a going away party for MidWestRoommate. She's moved to Phoenix to be with her boyfriend. So the evening was winding down, Sarriah was outside talking to her neighbor and, though I had changed into my night clothes (I crashed over that night) of oversized men's shirt and shorts (almost the exact same outfit I wore the last time I saw CuteNerdBoy), I decided to join them. So I was sitting, chatting with both of them, but mostly SarriahNeightbor. Sarriah started falling asleep, so she went inside and I continued chatting with the neighbor, who at one point invited me in to listen to a remixed song. I accepted, we went inside the other apartment and listened to the song. I had received some mighty interesting vibes from the neighbor and I suspected moves would be made when the roommate came home with someone in tow, someone that didn't look pleased with my presence and instead headed straight to the back of the apartment. I introduced myself to the roommate so that she knew, Hey, I'm just there for MidWestRoommate's party. And SarriahNeighbor and I went back outside. We chatted for a little while longer and parted ways, her phone number in my hand because I promised to give it to OBGirlfriendSon for business.

Um, yes. I did say, her phone number. See, SarriahNeighbor is a lesbian and was giving me signals I have only ever gotten from men before. It was strange, something I was definitely unused to. But strangely enough, out of the three folks above, her vibes were the only ones I would have actively welcomed.

Surprised? I'm not. I've always been a wee bit bi-curious, and while I know my preference will always be men, a never before had opportunity to give the other side of the fence a try would have been a welcome one. Kinda a shame that her roommate and the other woman came home when they did. *shrug* Oh well, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

Yeah, I don't see any common denominator up there. Life's getting a little strange again and I don't know how I feel about it.


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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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