Friday, July 23, 2004

it's started... 

...I think.

CuteNerdBoy stopped by to drop off the sales rep's computer (after all that UPS rigmarole, it's pretty much unfixable, at least for any long term use) and played around with my computer, updating a few things, adding anti-virus and anti-spyware software, performing a sweep of the drive. He was here for about two or two and a half hours. We talked about nothing in particular, he played with my cats (they love him too), I washed dishes (I was very dressed down for once in my shorts, oversize mens shirt, hair back in a ponytail and no makeup - hey, if we're just friends, welcome to schleppy me) and he was on his way.

He gave me a hug and a kiss, told me in incomplete sentences which I understood that, if I feel I need to do the space thing, he understands but he'll be out there whenever I'm ready, and then he left. Whereupon I tried to watch some shows I had taped, but instead curled up on the couch and napped, my exhaustion from irregular sleeping habits of the last week or two catching up with me.

I think the exhaustion is the only reason I haven't cried tonight. I'm too tired. Oh, there were a couple of times while I washed dishes that everything hit me, and my knees would sag a little, but I'd get it under control pretty quickly and soldier on.

I'm also looking ahead to a very busy weekend, what with errands and rehearsal/rehearsal dinner Friday (taking the day off), BabySis' wedding on Saturday and BFSis' bridal shower on Sunday, with BestFriend flying in from Tucson on Saturday morning (I'll be meeting her at the airport) and crashing on my couch that night. So my brain is awhirl with all of that.

Not too mention that my work computer is acting up terribly, the corporate office in Missouri doesn't seem to be able or willing to do anything about it, so the chances are pretty good that CuteNerdBoy will be heading out to my office to work on that. Which will cut into the whole space thing, but I'm not going to deprive CuteNerdBoy of work or me of a functioning computer because I couldn't control my heart from doing something it should have known better than to do.

I don't know. There are times - such as most of the time - when I think, "To hell with the time away, I'm a big girl, I can handle this." Then I remember that I, in fact, can't handle it, because if I could I'd be much further along in healing. Besides, let's be honest. The reason I think that? Is because I can't bear to not talk to him or write him or see him. And I'll never feel better about this whole situation if I can't get past that.

But that doesn't stop the pain and the anger from coming back, my sleepy eyes and weary body creating a strange numbness that accompanies these emotions, so that everything is both deadened and heightened at the same time. I want to cry, I feel like crying, but I just don't have the energy, my eyes lacking in moisture, dried out by the heat and the exhaustion.

Still, space. A good thing, right?

Only time will tell...

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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