Tuesday, August 10, 2004

on the second tuesday of the month... 

...I would, as a rule, be attending the monthly BookCrossing meeting. Talking books, talking movies, talking life with a group of people with similar - and dissimilar - interests. Laughing and having fun. To be followed by dinner with CuteNerdBoy.

This month - tonight - is different. Instead I rode home with a guy from my work building (whom I know from when he worked at the loading dock there - when you have furniture moving in and out of the showroom, you get to know the loading dock fellas pretty quickly), moved furniture from my living room to my garage and from his truck to my living room (while wearing a white/blue patterned skirt, white top and heels - that's me, living on the edge, baby!), rested for about twenty minutes, then I took the bus to pay my phone bill a few miles down the road and waited forever (or forty minutes) for the return bus home. As I walked back in the door at nearly 9:30pm I thought, "The meeting must be over by now."

I've gotten so used to being at that meeting every second Tuesday that it seemed utterly bizarre to not attend. And the knowledge that I probably won't be at next month's meeting feels equally strange.

Okay, so I had a legitimate reason to not go tonight that had nothing to do with CuteNerdBoy. The furniture needed to be moved and tonight was the night that FormerDockGuy could do it. And as for next month, well, the writing group is undergoing changes right now and I do need to focus on it a bit more. As it is, I miss one meeting a month due to BC. If Tragicomedy (from BC) and CuteNerdBoy - and, truth be told, myself, to some extent - had their way, I'd miss another Tuesday each month because of a sci-fi meet-up that's held the third (I think) Tuesday of each month. But being gone two Tuesdays a month from the group doesn't sit well with me. And I do love the interaction with my fellow writers.

But let's be honest. The main reason I'm not going to the BC meetings right now is because of the break from CuteNerdBoy. I originally thought, "Hey, maybe I'll just go, but not have dinner afterwards or ask him to take me home. Surely I can handle that, right?"

No. I can't. I know me too well. The occasional joke e-mail is okay, but if I were to see him right now it would hurt too much. It hurts just thinking about it. Not seeing him or talking to him hurts even more, but it's a neccessary pain at this point. I know this and am trying to embrace it in all its thorny glory, even though my brain is running in overdrive about things which I have no, nor should I seek, control over, because it never knows when to shut the hell up. "How many people are there? What books did they bring? What books are they talking about? Are the regulars wondering where I am? Are they quizzing CuteNerdBoy? And is the one regular that I just can't stand all smug because I'm not around?"

(Newsflash, Carol: The world does not revolve around you. Deal.)

It was over a month ago that we talked and exchanged those wordy, emotional e-mails. Nearly a month since I last saw him. It doesn't even seem that long ago.

And tonight's BookCrossing meeting would have marked a year since my first BC meeting, and a year since CuteNerdBoy first called me a writer, which was the one of the first things that really made me think, "Hey, this guy is different. I like it. And him."

G-d, I certainly hope one more month is enough to sort out my head. Because I don't want to put aside the BC meetings indefinitely. I enjoy them. Because October - and the marathon - is right around the corner and I'd like CuteNerdBoy to be there, cheering me on, as he said he would.

But right now? I'm not entirely sure if a month (closer to six weeks, I think) will be sufficient...

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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