Sunday, August 21, 2005

what have i done? 

Just what the hell have I gotten myself into?

I think I mentioned before that I'm now the Managing Editor of the SoCal Grassroots web site. We finally have it up and running, which is great, but now is the time to turn it from a web site with a bunch of events and a few links into something truly dynamic. Of course I have all sorts of ideas, which I'm running past the other members of the committee, but I'm also not jumping on a few things the way I should. And with the chair of the Communications Committee going on hiatus for maternity leave, the co-chair taking a breather due to health issues and a new interim chair until the end of the year (who is a good guy and someone I'm sure I can work with - it's just that I had gotten such a great rapport going with the co-chair), well, I've been thrown a little by all the changes. Not to mention that, unlike all of my other online work, I actually have to run my ideas by others rather then just do what I like.

It doesn't help that, by nature, I am a consensus taker. One would think that would be an asset, but one would be wrong. Because I have a sneaking feeling that the sort of content I would like to see on the site might be considered to be somewhat reactionary by a few of the folks in the group. And the writers I'd like to use for the site and its prospective blog are what some would call "bomb throwers". Not literally, of course, but they like to lob words and ideas that, while truthful, tend to get folks' hackles up, even when said writers are being diplomatic and respectful. Personally, I don't have a problem with that. Let's put the truth out there and timid people be damned. But, again, it's not all about me on the SCG site. So now it's time for a little of that diplomacy that I've been known to use on occasion.

Oh, this is going to be a wild ride.


I wonder, though, if I possess some of that "fear of success" that so many talk about. I'm excited about everything I'm doing, but I also notice that I'm dragging my heels a bit. Part of it is what I mentioned above - I'm dreading, to a certain extent, having to have everything approved by a committee, not to mention the fact this is all incredibly new to me and I have a certain fear of fucking up, now that I'm in a much more visible position than I had been before. But I seriously doubt that's all of it.

I'm finding that people are asking my my opinion about things. Which is strange for me, because I still feel like such an uneducated newbie, especially next to all these folks who have been involved in political activism for far longer than my meager eight months. While I'm certainly more up on current political events than I used to be, I'm still way behind on a lot of things. So I don't feel all that qualified to provide an answer.

On top of that, last Sunday I attended three meetings in a row, the last of which was the Communications meeting, during which a new chair was chosen. The fellow nominated (hereafter known as IrishWriter - he's very proud of his Irish heritage) agreed to accept the position, but only with the stipulation that there be a co-chair. I was busy going over a few things with another SCG member because I wanted to catch him before he left, so I didn't notice that apparently IrishWriter had been looking my way when he mentioned the co-chair position. After some discussion which I didn't really hear, it was decided that MusicianMan would be the Communications co-chair. Which I think is an excellent choice, but damn, doesn't the man have enough on his plate?

After the Communications meeting IrishWriter came up to me and gave me a big hug (which, as a big bear of a man, is a pretty big hug), then whispered in my ear that he had been trying to catch my eye to see if I would be interested in being co-chair, but couldn't do so, and since I seemed to be rather oblivious to his attempts, MusicianMan was named co-chair. I thanked him for his confidence in me, but told him I didn't know if it was something I could do at this time anyway. And besides, I really didn't feel comfortable accepting a leadership position just yet.

Why am I so afraid of things like this? And it is fear, I know that. I've been pushing many of my boundaries all year, why should I put the breaks on things now? Because I do feel as if I'm close to some major things and it's freaking me the hell out? Very possible. And when I have people like MusicianMan and IrishWriter and others showing so much encouragement, as other friends have in the past with various projects I've started, then abandoned, why do I continue to stop and stand still, digging my heels in to prevent me from continuing with this forward momentum?

Well, this time I know I can't abandon this whole political activism thing. 'Cause it's not just about me anymore. This a whole other ball of yarn, a much bigger one, and I can't let it unravel. There's too much at stake.

Deep breath...let it out slowly...

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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