Tuesday, May 10, 2005

hi all... 

Still around. In one of my odd moods again, so I can't exactly pretend to be happy happy, joy joy girl.

That's not entirely true. I could pretend I was in a terrific mood, write all happy and positive things and, if done well enough, y'all wouldn't know the truth. But that would be disingenuous and I try not to be that. I may decide not to reveal all that happens in my life - or I may downplay some parts while emphasizing others - but I don't want to lie here. That's not what this space is about.

Perhaps a little later in the entry I'll write about my mood, but first - the weekend:

It was a good one. Friday night I hung out with ModelGirl and her family, talking and munching on appetizers for dinner, catching up. They gave me a beautiful blue and gold translucent hanging glass plate with suns and moons and stars, which I love. It was fun and challenging, as ModelGirl decided that it was Time To Give Carol Man Advice. I know her heart was in the right place, but much of what she said is antithetical to who I am - i.e. honest about who I am and what I'm capable of. And horribly shy in a number of ways, which precludes me from going up to total strangers and just striking up conversations. I'm proud enough of myself for doing that with AttractiveFriend, which was very difficult for me. And see where that got me. But it was still good to see her and her family, as it always is, and as I said I know she was only trying to helpful because she wants to see me happy, so I can't be too upset at her. Annoyed, yes. Upset, not so much.

Saturday was a rush of cleaning for Saturday night. I had planned a belated birthday party for myself at a restaurant near my home, with the hope that people would come by to my place afterwards for drinks. The dinner went well, with a nice selection of people: Sarriah, NewYorkWriter and her hubby, TheFirst and his wife, GruvLoungeGoth and his wife (for whom I must come up with an appropriate nickname as she is also an old high school friend), Jim and his girlfriend Gayle, Brian (who happened to be in town for the weekend) and a friend of his whom I'd previously met at Jim's party, and MusicianMan, who was my rather late ride. I had been running late, so I called him to see if he could pick me up. Unfortunately he was running later than he originally thought, so I ended up being about half an hour late to my own party.

It was still a good evening, with lots of laughter and interesting conversation and, of course, lots of attention being paid to me. Just the way I like it. And though I said presents weren't necessary, still people brought them. And since I am loathe to insult my friends, I just had to accept them. Because that's just the sort of thoughtful person I am. So gifts of necklace and earrings, of Bushworld and Barnes and Noble giftcard, of traveling case were ooh'd and aah'd over, as was the beautiful card handmade by Sarriah's roommate, who was invited but couldn't make it due to the Dread Flu Roberts going around their apartment complex. And I overheard invitations to poker games amongst the various factions of my friends, so cross-pollination happened, which is always a positive thing. As both Jim and MusicianMan said, I have some interesting and nice friends and neither was surprised by that fact. That certainly warmed the cockles of my heart.

Sunday was spent returning a few things I bought for Saturday night, but had never opened as everyone was too tired to come by my place afterwards. Then off to Hollywood to meet Sarriah for an early afternoon show of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy which, due to traffic and Sarriah losing track of time, became an early evening show in Burbank. But that was fine as Boychik had wanted to join us and this enabled him to do so. So we shopped and ate and got coffee to kill time, then met up with Boychik and off to see Hitchhiker's.

My verdict? I liked it. I've only ever read the books and played the computer game. I haven't seen the BBC TV show or heard the BBC radio show, plus I haven't read the books since Douglas Adams died, so I don't have them committed to memory. Not to mention that Adams himself tweaked the universe with every incarnation, so there wasn't really anything to which a screenwriter (of which Adams was one) could remain slavishly true. It was close enough in spirit that little differences didn't bother me. I think Marvin could have been more prominently featured (both because the character seemed too family-friendly and, well, there can never be too much Alan Rickman), but otherwise I enjoyed it. And I've become a huge fan of Bill Nighy. If I'm not careful I may have another little celebrity crush a-brewing.

And that was the weekend. A nice weekend all told. Glad I had it.

What's that? My odd mood tonight? Yes, it does have a reason for being. But it stems from some of the same old, same old reasons for me to be in an odd/sad mood and again I'm bored with it. Tonight was my BookCrossing meeting, I saw CuteNerdBoy for the first time since February and had agreed to go to dinner with him afterwards, as he was taking me out for a belated birthday dinner since he couldn't make my party on Saturday. I thought I was ready, but maybe not so much. Because as tends to be the case, the men in my life move on to new people before I do. And he's no exception. He's got a new girl and has had one for quite a few months. Frankly I'd suspected for awhile, but he confirmed it a few weeks ago. And I'm trying to be happy for him, told him I was happy for him (though I don't know if he believed me) and I thought I could be. But it isn't there.

Probably because I'm making no headway in that arena myself. Still. And having had something similar happen with AttractiveFriend (if in a rather compressed time-span and without the falling-in-love part) as happened with CuteNerdBoy - and so soon afterwards and fairly recently - well, I'm just tired of it all. Perhaps my not being happy for him makes me a bad friend, but so be it. I'm a bad friend.

Hence my odd mood. I'm in one of my "swearing off all men" moods. It'll last for about five minutes, but it doesn't make it any less real. Maybe Patrick and I should get married after all. Okay, so maybe the sex won't be there, what with the distance and him being gay, but we get along wonderfully in our e-mails. And he's damned cute, so that's always a plus.

I may not be around much this week on the blog. I just don't feel like writing much, at least nothing I want the world to read. Or specific people. That'll teach me to be so open with my URL in the future. I will be okay, though, that I know. I just need to do a little more headwork. Look at a few options.

Word of advice, though. If you're someone who is deeply, emotionally affected by music and you're about meet someone for whom you've had strong feelings and you're trying to do the "friend thing" - don't listen to The Henry Rollins Band and October Project beforehand. At least I also had Common Rotation in the mix, for a little fun balance. But Henry Rollins and October Project together? No good can come of that combination...

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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United States, California, Los Angeles, San Fernando Valley, English, Carol, Female, 36-40.

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