Wednesday, March 23, 2005
hate mail is so beautiful...
Last week I bemoaned my lack of hate mail. Part of me wondered if my loyal readers (all five of you - okay, maybe there are ten now) would leap into action, firing off missives dripping with vitriol, melting the plastic from my monitor and cracking its display tube (or whatever the hell that thing is called).
Instead I received sweet comments and e-mails about how I'm just not acerbic or obnoxious enough to inspire such hatred. Or readers said that they're just not capable of dissing me. Very lovely and very appreciated, to be sure, but not quite what I'd anticipated. Perhaps I should have been clearer.
However, one of my readers intuited my wishes and provided me with a stellar example of hate mail. So much so that I was moved to ask him to marry me. Wonder of wonders, he accepted! Unfortunately wedding negotiations fell apart when we tried to determine whether he would wear white or if it would be me (I suspect neither of us is entirely eligible to wear white sans irony). The fact that I had to read about his decision to be Just Friends on his journal stung a bit, but I understand and appreciate his desire to keep the cat fighting to a minimum. Just as well, I suppose. I don't know how I'd explain to my mother that the chances of us having children would be small, seeing as I'm a straight woman living in Los Angeles and he's a cute gay fella living in Boston. She's having a hard enough time understanding that Sarriah, who is also straight, is my wife.
Anywho, I present to you the hate mail that made me weep for joy. Thank you, my dearest Patrick. Thank you.
It's as if he knows the deepest crevices of my soul...
Instead I received sweet comments and e-mails about how I'm just not acerbic or obnoxious enough to inspire such hatred. Or readers said that they're just not capable of dissing me. Very lovely and very appreciated, to be sure, but not quite what I'd anticipated. Perhaps I should have been clearer.
However, one of my readers intuited my wishes and provided me with a stellar example of hate mail. So much so that I was moved to ask him to marry me. Wonder of wonders, he accepted! Unfortunately wedding negotiations fell apart when we tried to determine whether he would wear white or if it would be me (I suspect neither of us is entirely eligible to wear white sans irony). The fact that I had to read about his decision to be Just Friends on his journal stung a bit, but I understand and appreciate his desire to keep the cat fighting to a minimum. Just as well, I suppose. I don't know how I'd explain to my mother that the chances of us having children would be small, seeing as I'm a straight woman living in Los Angeles and he's a cute gay fella living in Boston. She's having a hard enough time understanding that Sarriah, who is also straight, is my wife.
Anywho, I present to you the hate mail that made me weep for joy. Thank you, my dearest Patrick. Thank you.
Carol, quit your bitching. Good gods, you're annoying. The fact that
you haven't gotten hate mail says more about your dullish writing style than it does about you as a person (though who would want to know you as a person after reading your blog is a mystery to me).
Whatever troglodyte you're trying to dredge up from the brackish backlands of blogging to give you the negative attention you think you deserve would most likely be even closer to illiterate than you, so I suppose it would be a good match. Perhaps, when you receive the harsh words you seem to be aching for so desperately, you can request this person send you a picture, or meet him for lunch. Then you can fill your blog with pathetic, mooney-eyed love letters to your stalker/critic and eventually the "ordinarygoddess" will become "justanothertrainwreck" as you marry the poor figpucker and wonder where your sad, sad life went wrong.
(Okay, I can't go on any further...is this hateful enough for you?
You know I like to please you!)
Love ya,
Patrick
It's as if he knows the deepest crevices of my soul...
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United States, California, Los Angeles, San Fernando Valley, English, Carol, Female, 36-40.
