Thursday, December 23, 2004

not necessarily a reflection... 

I'm sitting here at work, working as one is wont to do in such a situation. I decide that I have no desire to work in near silence. More specifically, I'm endeavoring to block out the voices of the two older SisterCompany reps, as they tend be rather negative, old-boy-school types that can be grating on my nerves. More so now that my SisterCompany counterpart is on vacation, as is the younger SisterCompany rep whom I get along with pretty well.

So I decide to pop in a little music. I'd listen to Christmas music except that all of my holiday CDs are at home. And they're really not very good. I opt to listen to the Once More, with Feeling soundtrack, inspired by one of the quizzes yesterday. I haven't listened to it for a long time. I enjoy it as I have in the past, but decide that one listening for today is plenty.

What next? Something with a beat is what I need, to get the blood pumping and the work finished. Rifling through the collection, I come across The Singles 86>98 by Depeche Mode, another album I haven't listened to in a very long time. I pop it in and enjoy the layered synth orchestrations, the evocative melodies and dark vocals. I'm not much of an 80s music kind of girl, but this is exactly the type of 80s music that appeals to me.

As I listen to the music it strikes me - if someone were to judge my mood by just the music I've been listening to, one might come to the conclusion that I'm in a dark, depressed mood and maybe it would be wise to remove the X-Acto knife from my desk drawer.

One would be mistaken.

I'm actually in a pretty good mood. I'll admit it, there are a few things I'm a little nervous about (mainly money - but I'm always nervous about that). And yes, I have been feeling a wee bit of one of my low-level derpressions over the last month or so. I can always tell when one of those swing by because the urge to hermit myself away tugs at my pant-legs and I have to kick it away with steel-toed boots. Also, I find writing to be more of a chore than a joy, which I see being reflected in the quality of my entries this month - they just don't sparkle in my eyes. But the whole reason I signed up for Holidailies was to get me back in the habit of writing more often than I had been.

So no, I'm not a bouncing giddy girl and I haven't been for a little while. But I'm not really all depressed and mopey either, despite my choice in music today.

I just...am. Right now, that's good enough for me.

Besides, through this head/chest cold I can smell the fragrance of the rosemary Christmas tree I bought a couple of weeks ago for the showroom. The plant I just watered. The shrub whose scent lingers on my fingers and fills me with calm.

With the perfume of rosemary and pine and hot chocolate in the air, how can depression take hold? It can't. That little sucker may keep poking around me, as it has for a few years, but it doesn't stand much of a chance for long-term survival.

However, I do.

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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