Wednesday, October 06, 2004
dribs and drabs...
Just a bunch of little bits on my mind tonight. I probably can't/won't expand on details, for various reasons, but I do feel the need to set the little bits down. Maybe I should just lie down until the need goes away.
*************************
More and more I'm discovering a petty side to myself.
This does not please me.
What displeases me even more is that I don't seem to have too much of a problem with the petty thoughts that run through my brain. Because I view the recipients of those very-rarely-acted-upon petty thoughts as wholly deserving of them, even when the rational side of my brain tells me I'm being unreasonable. Then the petty side tells the rational side to shut up because, well, it's petty.
Recently one of my friends asked me if she was being too petty about someone, a person that I don't particularly like, even though I don't really know this person. (Call it a gut instinct.) I looked at her with a level gaze, reminded her of all the petty thoughts I'd been having about various people, and finished with, "I don't think you have anything to worry about." She laughed and nodded.
I don't like that kind of negativity. I don't like posessing that kind of negativity. I have to find a way to release it, channel it into something healthier than the resentment that builds up.
Or maybe I just need a really good fuck.
*************************
Somewhat related to above: I get really annoyed at people on behalf of my friends.
Sarriah is often amused at how pissed off I get at idiot drivers when we're out and about. The one thing that will always set me off is a lack of courtesy and/or a sense of entitlement. Which is usually the case in those instances where our lives are being endangered by other drivers. It drives me nuts and I've been known to flip off those drivers when in the passenger seat. Probably not a good thing, but I feel unable to sit by idly.
I'm trying to teach myself that fantasizing about that rocket launcher which has the capability of scaring the driver shitless without harming him/her or innocent bystanders is enough to release my anger.
When I perceive that a friend has been wronged, I'll also get really pissy at the offending party. Well, maybe not in their presence, because I'm usually not in the presence of the offending party at the time. But I will plot revenge for my friend. I may not act upon it, but believe me, that revenge has been carefully plotted. I think I've done this for every single one of my friends at one time or another, even if I don't tell them about it. Got an ex who ripped out your heart and stomped on it with football cleats? A boss who takes the word "asshole" to an entirely new level? A roommate who just doesn't understand the concepts "clean" and "private property"? Give me a little while. I'll think of something.
*************************
Back in my twenties, while I definitely had my ticked-off moments, I was a much happier, more forgiving person. I was also much more naïve. These days I feel as if my naïveté is close to extinct and I don't know if I like that so much. The events that have whittled away that innocence have put in their place emotions I'm not all that fond of. Anger and pain and fear feel as if they bubble so close to the surface that it can sometimes take one stupid little incident - like getting to Amoeba Music after the buy counter closes - to bring me close to angry tears.
That truly sucks.
*************************
Though I sometimes feel as if I'm a much angrier person than I used to be, I also feel as if I'm a far more expansive person. A much funnier person. I've grown into a sense of humor that I adore, that actually makes me feel as if I'm flying when I make others laugh. And so many people seem to laugh at my attempts at humor that I often feel as if I'm flying.
There's a reason why I've never gotten addicted to drugs, despite the genetic tendencies in my family and my own somewhat obsessive nature. Who needs drugs when making people smile and laugh provides the ultimate high?
*************************
I love feeling silly. Today was kind of a silly day for me. Don't know why, it just was. There was a moment when I discovered some information that I was a bit miffed about, but for the most part I felt really silly and fun and goofy. And when I feel like that I'm astounded at how so deeply in love with life I am. How very much I want to woo life and have it with me for as long as it'll have me.
I need more days like that.
*************************
I'm currently reading Alive - about the Uruguayan rugby team that crashed in the Andes in 1972 and had to eat the bodies of the dead to survive.
It's a fascinating and sobering book and, as I read it, two things pop into my mind:
1) I don't know if I could do something like that - I don't know if I have that sort of strength of will.
2) It's a good thing I'm already a vegetarian - else I definitely would become one by the end of the book
*************************
I am now officially very special. Why? Because GrüvLoungeGoth has invited me to join a club that he is part of. Apparently there was an opening. And the club founder said, "Sure, why not?"
So I now belong to the Kenny Club.
What is that, pray tell? Allow me to elucidate.
The Kenny Club is a smallish group of people that gathers once a month to introduce unfamiliar music to one another. They discuss, distribute, encourage and possibly even cajole (though gently, of course). They post songlists of the albums they intend to introduce, alongside descriptions and reviews. They discuss music in a forum. As GrüvLoungeGoth initially described it to me, I all but drooled at the concept. I said, "Sure, sounds like fun!"
And now I am a Kenny. I'm so very happy.
You may now address me as Kenny Carol.
More and more I'm discovering a petty side to myself.
This does not please me.
What displeases me even more is that I don't seem to have too much of a problem with the petty thoughts that run through my brain. Because I view the recipients of those very-rarely-acted-upon petty thoughts as wholly deserving of them, even when the rational side of my brain tells me I'm being unreasonable. Then the petty side tells the rational side to shut up because, well, it's petty.
Recently one of my friends asked me if she was being too petty about someone, a person that I don't particularly like, even though I don't really know this person. (Call it a gut instinct.) I looked at her with a level gaze, reminded her of all the petty thoughts I'd been having about various people, and finished with, "I don't think you have anything to worry about." She laughed and nodded.
I don't like that kind of negativity. I don't like posessing that kind of negativity. I have to find a way to release it, channel it into something healthier than the resentment that builds up.
Or maybe I just need a really good fuck.
Somewhat related to above: I get really annoyed at people on behalf of my friends.
Sarriah is often amused at how pissed off I get at idiot drivers when we're out and about. The one thing that will always set me off is a lack of courtesy and/or a sense of entitlement. Which is usually the case in those instances where our lives are being endangered by other drivers. It drives me nuts and I've been known to flip off those drivers when in the passenger seat. Probably not a good thing, but I feel unable to sit by idly.
I'm trying to teach myself that fantasizing about that rocket launcher which has the capability of scaring the driver shitless without harming him/her or innocent bystanders is enough to release my anger.
When I perceive that a friend has been wronged, I'll also get really pissy at the offending party. Well, maybe not in their presence, because I'm usually not in the presence of the offending party at the time. But I will plot revenge for my friend. I may not act upon it, but believe me, that revenge has been carefully plotted. I think I've done this for every single one of my friends at one time or another, even if I don't tell them about it. Got an ex who ripped out your heart and stomped on it with football cleats? A boss who takes the word "asshole" to an entirely new level? A roommate who just doesn't understand the concepts "clean" and "private property"? Give me a little while. I'll think of something.
Back in my twenties, while I definitely had my ticked-off moments, I was a much happier, more forgiving person. I was also much more naïve. These days I feel as if my naïveté is close to extinct and I don't know if I like that so much. The events that have whittled away that innocence have put in their place emotions I'm not all that fond of. Anger and pain and fear feel as if they bubble so close to the surface that it can sometimes take one stupid little incident - like getting to Amoeba Music after the buy counter closes - to bring me close to angry tears.
That truly sucks.
Though I sometimes feel as if I'm a much angrier person than I used to be, I also feel as if I'm a far more expansive person. A much funnier person. I've grown into a sense of humor that I adore, that actually makes me feel as if I'm flying when I make others laugh. And so many people seem to laugh at my attempts at humor that I often feel as if I'm flying.
There's a reason why I've never gotten addicted to drugs, despite the genetic tendencies in my family and my own somewhat obsessive nature. Who needs drugs when making people smile and laugh provides the ultimate high?
I love feeling silly. Today was kind of a silly day for me. Don't know why, it just was. There was a moment when I discovered some information that I was a bit miffed about, but for the most part I felt really silly and fun and goofy. And when I feel like that I'm astounded at how so deeply in love with life I am. How very much I want to woo life and have it with me for as long as it'll have me.
I need more days like that.
I'm currently reading Alive - about the Uruguayan rugby team that crashed in the Andes in 1972 and had to eat the bodies of the dead to survive.
It's a fascinating and sobering book and, as I read it, two things pop into my mind:
1) I don't know if I could do something like that - I don't know if I have that sort of strength of will.
2) It's a good thing I'm already a vegetarian - else I definitely would become one by the end of the book
I am now officially very special. Why? Because GrüvLoungeGoth has invited me to join a club that he is part of. Apparently there was an opening. And the club founder said, "Sure, why not?"
So I now belong to the Kenny Club.
What is that, pray tell? Allow me to elucidate.
The Kenny Club is a smallish group of people that gathers once a month to introduce unfamiliar music to one another. They discuss, distribute, encourage and possibly even cajole (though gently, of course). They post songlists of the albums they intend to introduce, alongside descriptions and reviews. They discuss music in a forum. As GrüvLoungeGoth initially described it to me, I all but drooled at the concept. I said, "Sure, sounds like fun!"
And now I am a Kenny. I'm so very happy.
You may now address me as Kenny Carol.
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