Monday, September 27, 2004

sometimes not so easy... 

Back in July, when I participated in BabySis' wedding, I had a marvelous, grand ol' time, as did pretty much everyone else. Laughing and dancing and near-weeping for joy. True, I'd had a drink or five over the course of the entire day, what with the mimosas while the bridal party was getting ready and my trusty gin-and-tonics and dirty martinis during the reception. But I know that, had I remained utterly sober, I still would have had a fantastic time. And I'd hoped that her wedding was the one to break my tendency of being slightly uncomfortable and wistful when attending these joyous events solo.

Such is not the case.

(Then again, BestFriend was sort of my date for the evening, so maybe I wasn't solo after all.)

First thing's first: ValleyGirlRep's wedding was lovely and moving, with smiles all around, set in a gorgeous botanical garden in Somis. And the reception was quite good, too, even if those of us at my table were wishing for a hook to snake out of the trees and yank the best man away from the microphone as he entered his forty-seventh hour of his stand-up, er, I mean, toast. And ValleyGirlRep was beautiful and radiant. The minute and a half that I spoke to her new hubby showed me that he was a good guy.

I did have a couple of drinks, which were nicely made, but I wasn't in the mood to throw caution to the wind. Perhaps because my regional VP was also at the table with her husband. The fact that he is good friends with the CEO of my former workplace is actually a bit amusing and served to prove the theory we had put forth during our initial conversation: despite its size, Los Angeles is a tiny little town. Especially if one is involved with entertainment in any form.

Though I had been assured by NewYorkWriter that RegionalVP (with whom I am having lunch on Wednesday - uh oh) would not be at all judgemental had I decided to completely cut loose, I still felt that it would probably not be a good idea. I tend to be very cautious like that.

I still had a nice time, and I danced with NewYorkWriter and laughed and caused others to laugh (and bonded with RegionalVP over baseball - she agreed with me that the SF Giants must ALWAYS lose, especially when playing against the Dodgers), but I was feeling low-key and I didn't know how to stop myself from feeling like that, to just shut up my head and enjoy the evening.

The images that came unbidden to my mind while witnessing the ceremony, visions of events that will most likely not happen - at least not with the participants that I envisioned - certainly didn't help matters. Nor did watching ValleyGirlRep dancing with her father and realizing that, should I someday marry, that I will never have that dance. It's amazing how ingrained that dance is in little girls who love their daddies, even when the little girls are all grown up and the daddies have proven themselves unworthy of that dance.

This next Sunday is another wedding - BestFriendSister, whom I've known since she was a twelve year old in plastic barettes and is now a lovely young woman in her mid-thrities - and I think I'll fare better there, as I'll know most of the people and my VP won't be sitting nearby.

But my knowledge of fellow guests shouldn't be the deciding factor about whether I have a nice time or a great time. Somehow I need to travel out of my head and just enjoy and rejoice for the people in whose honor the guests have been gathered. And shove away those unbidden visions, instead of finding a strange comfort in them, which will only make me unhappier.

And maybe this time actively seek out someone with whom I can flirt unmercifully...

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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