Friday, September 10, 2004

(may not be entirely work-safe) 

If you have read this humble site for any length of time (and bless you if you have), you may have come to the entirely correct conclusion that I'm a bit of a fan of sex. Granted, I may not participate as often as I like because, well, a gal's gotta have standards. I happen to be rather picky about my partners and I'm getting pickier as the days pass. Still, making the beast with two backs? I give it a big ol' thumbs up (or down or sideways or where-ever else it may be needed. What can I say? I'm just a giver.)

So I've had my fair share of sex over the years. I also enjoy a good piece of erotica. Or even *gasp* honest-to-goodness porn. As a result I'm somewhat familiar with much of the lexicon used in such bits of, ahem, art (have you ever tried to write good erotica? It's damned hard. Those who can do it well are true artists. Check out the stuff at Clean Sheets if ya wanna see what I mean. Anyway, back to the point...), even terminology that is laughable anywhere except porn or the bedroom (though it can be quite funny there. I mean, "Ooh, baby, ready for my hot beef injection?" The break? You must give it to me.)

Problem is, there has been a dearth of vocabulary and phrases to describe much of the most common sexual experiences.

Until now.

Hoot Island's Eroticionary has coined desparately needed and long-awaited words and phraseology for acts, items, body parts and events that are more common than most of us would like. A few examples:

condammit (KAHN-dah-mit) n. The specially-designed condom wrapper foil that cannot be opened under non-laboratory circumstances without some sort of cutting torch, guaranteed to be virtually impervious against anything you might scare up in the backseat of your Honda.

thigh-Q (thiy-CYOO) n. The temporary intelligence quotient caused by the thought of imminent sex, usually about 30 points below the normal level and dropping fast, especially if bare breasts are visible.

rejatori (REE-ja-TOR-ee) n. (rare) The happy realization that although you've just climaxed, you're ready to go again immediately.

ejacduration (ee-JAHK-dur-AY-shun) n. The elapsed time between the perception of semen as a fiery, sensuous, pumping flood of animalistic lava and the perception of semen as a cold, sticky, runny, disgusting goddamn nuisance, usually about forty-five seconds (your time may vary).
womb raider (WOOM RAY-dur) n. An adventurous penis, with a kick-ass soundtrack.
I will remain silent as which of the above - or anything that might be in the Eroticionary - might currently or ever have applied to me. Though I can assure you that I have never possessed a womb raider. Well, maybe for not more than 30 to 180 minutes at a stretch.

*clears throat, whistles innocently*


Hoot Island also provides a very important list - Not To Be Taken Internally (or Things Not To Insert Into Your Lover's Hoo-Ha):
An alarm clock with an active alarm, because it's really fucking annoying when it goes off and you can't do anything about it and you start throwing yourself down on things trying to hit the snooze button and the other people in the jury won't stop staring at you.
Yeah, I hate when that happens...

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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United States, California, Los Angeles, San Fernando Valley, English, Carol, Female, 36-40.

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