Sunday, August 29, 2004
ennui and malaise...
Kinda what I'm feeling these days, which is why I've been writing so little, both here and elsewhere. Probably why the little I have written has been pretty impersonal.
I'm not lacking for writing ideas. They still bounce around a million miles an hour in my noggin. But when faced with the blank screen and my keyboard, the ideas freeze in place, their countanences resembling startled deer, praying I won't notice them if they stand stock-still. It seems to be an effective tactic.
I'm also kinda bored with my thoughts these days. Not a heck of a lot is happening right now. My game night was bust. Only four people showed up to play, and their contributions, combined with that of Sarriah and MidWestRoomate - neither of whom could show up for the games portion of the evening - gave me a whopping $50. Which brings my grand total up to $225. Not near enough for what I need. Several people have promised that they're going donate, but I haven't seen most of it. I'm very behind in my fundraising right now and it's got me a little stressed. Make that very stressed.
The ten mile jog/walk yesterday actually went pretty well. I felt very good for the first five miles, okay for the sixth mile, but started struggling around Mile 7. I started singing happy songs to myself for distraction, even creating an elaborate, unlikey-as-things-currently-stand fantasy in my head involving the song Open Window (a song I adore - I've had vision-strong images connected to it). It helped quite a bit, and I managed to make it through the next three miles, though I pretty much walked Miles 7-10. Despite this malaise that's settled over me, the physical exertion and the bright sunshine felt very good, lifting me up a little, as did the occasional scent of eucalyptus (I'm going to start wearing eucalyptus oil when exercising - it's incredible the type of lift it provides). Not to mention the many times I made the other members of my pace group laugh with my little bon mots of inanity.
Then, after I got home and napped a little, Sarriah came over and we proceeded to drive around aimlessly, stopping to eat at a Silverlake restaurant that had yummy food, then more aimless driving. Just a lot of talk and laughter, dissecting and trying to make sense of our personal lives, as women are wont to do. I finally went to bed at about 3am while she rested on my sofa/loveseat/whatever. She was gone when I dragged myself out of bed at 10am, which I pretty much expected.
Since then I've been puttering, finishing a video that I've been trying to watch for days (book is better - but there are good points to the movie, even if it does suffer from a disjointed personality - I still adore Gabriel Byrne - so many levels of yummy). I'm thinking it's time to get out, if only for a little while. The sun is sure to do me a world of good.
It's been almost three weeks since CuteNerdBoy and I last exchanged e-mails and over a month since we've seen each other - a record thus far (not including, of course, the thirteen years between high school and our previous reconnection or the five years between our previous reconnection and last year's reconnection). I'm still thinking about him, still missing him, but working on getting my feelings sorted out. Most of the time, at any rate. So I'm not writing about that because, well, been there, done that, shrunk the t-shirt and watching my cats take turns wearing it.
So I may be suffering from ennui, and my writing may have slowed down a little, but there's still a bit of creativity stirring around in my cauldron. I've finished compiling Mix CD #8 (not sure about the title yet) and will be burning it soon, with songs for #9 quickly piling up.
After laying low with the keyboard for a while, a recent (temporary) aquisition has got me playing both the keyboard and the acquisition, which is actually very satisfying. I'm not very good, and I have a devil of a time getting the left hand to play anything remotely musical, but I'm having fun with it. And I'm glad my living room and kitchen are so removed from the rest of the triplex, because I can both both instruments late at night without disturbing my neighbor. So very cool.
And yesterday, while walking Mile 8, a line came to me which is turning into a song. And not a bad one, if I say so myself. I have to work on the lyrics a bit more, but it's actually flowing fairly smoothly, especially for a non-musician like myself. I actually find that pretty exciting.
So that's what's been going on in the World of Carol. Not a lot, filled with far too many down moments, but certainly not horrible. And sure to get better.
I'll write here when I'm moved to do so, but I think that you can pretty much expect the entries to be far more sporadic than a few weeks ago, when I was posting several times a day. For a little while, anyway.
Though now that I've written that, I may start posting six times a day, every day. Certainly wouldn't be the first time!
I'm not lacking for writing ideas. They still bounce around a million miles an hour in my noggin. But when faced with the blank screen and my keyboard, the ideas freeze in place, their countanences resembling startled deer, praying I won't notice them if they stand stock-still. It seems to be an effective tactic.
I'm also kinda bored with my thoughts these days. Not a heck of a lot is happening right now. My game night was bust. Only four people showed up to play, and their contributions, combined with that of Sarriah and MidWestRoomate - neither of whom could show up for the games portion of the evening - gave me a whopping $50. Which brings my grand total up to $225. Not near enough for what I need. Several people have promised that they're going donate, but I haven't seen most of it. I'm very behind in my fundraising right now and it's got me a little stressed. Make that very stressed.
The ten mile jog/walk yesterday actually went pretty well. I felt very good for the first five miles, okay for the sixth mile, but started struggling around Mile 7. I started singing happy songs to myself for distraction, even creating an elaborate, unlikey-as-things-currently-stand fantasy in my head involving the song Open Window (a song I adore - I've had vision-strong images connected to it). It helped quite a bit, and I managed to make it through the next three miles, though I pretty much walked Miles 7-10. Despite this malaise that's settled over me, the physical exertion and the bright sunshine felt very good, lifting me up a little, as did the occasional scent of eucalyptus (I'm going to start wearing eucalyptus oil when exercising - it's incredible the type of lift it provides). Not to mention the many times I made the other members of my pace group laugh with my little bon mots of inanity.
Then, after I got home and napped a little, Sarriah came over and we proceeded to drive around aimlessly, stopping to eat at a Silverlake restaurant that had yummy food, then more aimless driving. Just a lot of talk and laughter, dissecting and trying to make sense of our personal lives, as women are wont to do. I finally went to bed at about 3am while she rested on my sofa/loveseat/whatever. She was gone when I dragged myself out of bed at 10am, which I pretty much expected.
Since then I've been puttering, finishing a video that I've been trying to watch for days (book is better - but there are good points to the movie, even if it does suffer from a disjointed personality - I still adore Gabriel Byrne - so many levels of yummy). I'm thinking it's time to get out, if only for a little while. The sun is sure to do me a world of good.
It's been almost three weeks since CuteNerdBoy and I last exchanged e-mails and over a month since we've seen each other - a record thus far (not including, of course, the thirteen years between high school and our previous reconnection or the five years between our previous reconnection and last year's reconnection). I'm still thinking about him, still missing him, but working on getting my feelings sorted out. Most of the time, at any rate. So I'm not writing about that because, well, been there, done that, shrunk the t-shirt and watching my cats take turns wearing it.
So I may be suffering from ennui, and my writing may have slowed down a little, but there's still a bit of creativity stirring around in my cauldron. I've finished compiling Mix CD #8 (not sure about the title yet) and will be burning it soon, with songs for #9 quickly piling up.
After laying low with the keyboard for a while, a recent (temporary) aquisition has got me playing both the keyboard and the acquisition, which is actually very satisfying. I'm not very good, and I have a devil of a time getting the left hand to play anything remotely musical, but I'm having fun with it. And I'm glad my living room and kitchen are so removed from the rest of the triplex, because I can both both instruments late at night without disturbing my neighbor. So very cool.
And yesterday, while walking Mile 8, a line came to me which is turning into a song. And not a bad one, if I say so myself. I have to work on the lyrics a bit more, but it's actually flowing fairly smoothly, especially for a non-musician like myself. I actually find that pretty exciting.
So that's what's been going on in the World of Carol. Not a lot, filled with far too many down moments, but certainly not horrible. And sure to get better.
I'll write here when I'm moved to do so, but I think that you can pretty much expect the entries to be far more sporadic than a few weeks ago, when I was posting several times a day. For a little while, anyway.
Though now that I've written that, I may start posting six times a day, every day. Certainly wouldn't be the first time!
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United States, California, Los Angeles, San Fernando Valley, English, Carol, Female, 36-40.
