Thursday, June 17, 2004
fuck...
Did I say "fuck"? Silly me. I meant, "FUCK!" Or perhaps, "Fuckity fucking fuckers." I'm not quite sure.
(You'd never believe I was once so pure and innocent that I had trouble spelling "H-E-Double Hockeysticks." I even had trouble saying the phrase, "H-E-Double-Hockeysticks." Yeah, those days are pretty much gone.)
A few months ago I ordered the bridesmaid dress for BabySis' wedding. It came in a few weeks ago and BabySis picked it up while I was in Tucson (not sure why - she was trying to do a favor for me, which I totally appreciate, but was certainly not necessary, since I was just waiting for the fitting appointment this weekend). On Sunday, since she was in the area, she dropped it off at my place. I pulled it out of the closet to try it on last night, hoping that maybe it'll fit me well enough that I wouldn't need to have it altered. Because I am a bit on the broke side right now. I slipped into (more like “jumped and wriggled and did my best ‘dying fish’ impersonation”) my “foundation undergarments”. You know, the ones that flatten and lift and separate and have all the advanced engineering of the Spitzer Space Telescope for just as important a mission – smooth out all the annoying little bulges that I’m not particularly fond of. I don’t like the undergarments much, but they are needed for the occasional formal gown.
Over these fantastic torture devices, I slid on my lovely bridesmaid dress - in wine - and zipped up the back. I looked in the mirror, the scarf draped around the front of my neck to fall oh-so-elegantly down my back, I thought, “Not bad. Not bad at all.” I didn’t even mind the exposure of my upper arms – a body part I am very careful to keep covered, due to my belief that they aren’t very attractive. Then I turned to view my profile.
Fuck.
I will say that nothing needs to be taken in, for which I say, yea!
But.
First of all, even with the lycra/spandex/lastex/whatever-the-fuck-tex vise of my (fine, I’ll say it) girdle (are you happy? Sheesh!), my tummy was more pronounced than I would have liked. Which sucked, to be sure. But what’s worse is the zipper. It puckers. It pouches. The part that runs along my ass zigs up and down like the Appalachian Mountains.
It does not please me.
When I tried on a dress at the store, the only one that was in my size was in a navy color. There was some puckering in the zipper, but not much. And nothing that couldn’t be solved with a few sit-ups and the proper underwear. Same with the tummy, or so I thought. The next larger size was way too big in the chest and torso and still had a few zipper/tummy issues, so I thought, “Eh, I’ll go with the first size I tried on.”
Now I’m wondering if 1) that was a good idea, 2) I gained weight, 3) the navy color hid any possible problems, 4) that navy dress was, perhaps, cut a little more generously than the one I currently have and 5) it's too late to ask BabySis to change the color of the bridesmaid dresses. I’m pretty sure the answers are 1) no, 2) not according to my scale and the rest of my clothing – I’ve actually lost a little bit more, 3) yes, 4) it’s possible and 5) are you out of your fucking mind, you narcissist?
(Also, do these people not realize that women have asses? I mean, I know mine is, well, big, but even so, the zipper sould not be puckering the way it is.)
So I have three options: call my local David’s Bridal and see if they happen to have the same dress in stock so that I can maybe try it on, see if it fits better, and swap it out; call my local David's Bridals and insist that they send me a dress ASAP that does not have a zipper that looks like it was stitched by arthritic monkeys; and/or work like hell to lose about ten pounds in the next five weeks. I know it can be done, but it’s never been done by me because I think that kind of weight loss is too fast and unhealthy. Being a Taurus, I’m all about the “slow and steady” approach. But if I want to look nice for my sister’s wedding, I don’t seem to have much of a choice.
It’s a good thing I’ve started this marathon training, because that will definitely help. Maybe I’ll just throw in additional ab/glutes workouts, since that’s where I need to be a bit more svelte.
GrrrrAarrgghh...
(You'd never believe I was once so pure and innocent that I had trouble spelling "H-E-Double Hockeysticks." I even had trouble saying the phrase, "H-E-Double-Hockeysticks." Yeah, those days are pretty much gone.)
A few months ago I ordered the bridesmaid dress for BabySis' wedding. It came in a few weeks ago and BabySis picked it up while I was in Tucson (not sure why - she was trying to do a favor for me, which I totally appreciate, but was certainly not necessary, since I was just waiting for the fitting appointment this weekend). On Sunday, since she was in the area, she dropped it off at my place. I pulled it out of the closet to try it on last night, hoping that maybe it'll fit me well enough that I wouldn't need to have it altered. Because I am a bit on the broke side right now. I slipped into (more like “jumped and wriggled and did my best ‘dying fish’ impersonation”) my “foundation undergarments”. You know, the ones that flatten and lift and separate and have all the advanced engineering of the Spitzer Space Telescope for just as important a mission – smooth out all the annoying little bulges that I’m not particularly fond of. I don’t like the undergarments much, but they are needed for the occasional formal gown.
Over these fantastic torture devices, I slid on my lovely bridesmaid dress - in wine - and zipped up the back. I looked in the mirror, the scarf draped around the front of my neck to fall oh-so-elegantly down my back, I thought, “Not bad. Not bad at all.” I didn’t even mind the exposure of my upper arms – a body part I am very careful to keep covered, due to my belief that they aren’t very attractive. Then I turned to view my profile.
Fuck.
I will say that nothing needs to be taken in, for which I say, yea!
But.
First of all, even with the lycra/spandex/lastex/whatever-the-fuck-tex vise of my (fine, I’ll say it) girdle (are you happy? Sheesh!), my tummy was more pronounced than I would have liked. Which sucked, to be sure. But what’s worse is the zipper. It puckers. It pouches. The part that runs along my ass zigs up and down like the Appalachian Mountains.
It does not please me.
When I tried on a dress at the store, the only one that was in my size was in a navy color. There was some puckering in the zipper, but not much. And nothing that couldn’t be solved with a few sit-ups and the proper underwear. Same with the tummy, or so I thought. The next larger size was way too big in the chest and torso and still had a few zipper/tummy issues, so I thought, “Eh, I’ll go with the first size I tried on.”
Now I’m wondering if 1) that was a good idea, 2) I gained weight, 3) the navy color hid any possible problems, 4) that navy dress was, perhaps, cut a little more generously than the one I currently have and 5) it's too late to ask BabySis to change the color of the bridesmaid dresses. I’m pretty sure the answers are 1) no, 2) not according to my scale and the rest of my clothing – I’ve actually lost a little bit more, 3) yes, 4) it’s possible and 5) are you out of your fucking mind, you narcissist?
(Also, do these people not realize that women have asses? I mean, I know mine is, well, big, but even so, the zipper sould not be puckering the way it is.)
So I have three options: call my local David’s Bridal and see if they happen to have the same dress in stock so that I can maybe try it on, see if it fits better, and swap it out; call my local David's Bridals and insist that they send me a dress ASAP that does not have a zipper that looks like it was stitched by arthritic monkeys; and/or work like hell to lose about ten pounds in the next five weeks. I know it can be done, but it’s never been done by me because I think that kind of weight loss is too fast and unhealthy. Being a Taurus, I’m all about the “slow and steady” approach. But if I want to look nice for my sister’s wedding, I don’t seem to have much of a choice.
It’s a good thing I’ve started this marathon training, because that will definitely help. Maybe I’ll just throw in additional ab/glutes workouts, since that’s where I need to be a bit more svelte.
GrrrrAarrgghh...
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