all the fun of the fair...

Saturday, May 08, 2004

musical interlude (and more)...

when i heard about the coming day
wish i could wake up from the dream
in it i see a family photograph
and there you are, tucked in the scene

and there's a jealous net inside my chest
there's a hurt, a sadness there
maybe i'd tell you all about it
if i thought you'd care

heavy heart gets lighter by his side
but there are thoughts i wish i'd heard
if they ask you how i'm holding up
say i'm holding out for the words

what's the sense in being so sensitive?
can i trade this thin skin for a shell?
there are some things i've got no feeling about
but there are some things i can tell

heavy heart get lighter by yourself
it's been so long since you capsized
and you've been lying out there in the sun
has it begun?
has it begun?

heavy heart, have you heard?
i could use the words

Capsized by Sarah Harmer (from You Were Here)

Like a fair amount of the songs that find their ways onto my mix CDs, Capsized initially brought to mind thoughts of CuteNerdBoy and the hopes that the still slightly bruised sections of my heart would, soon, feel healed, whole again. But as I listened to the mix CD again - and again and again - I realized that its inclusion on the playlist, its emotional connection to me, wasn't related to my frequently jumbled feelings for that lovely, occasionally maddening man.

No, as the words echoed in my ears and played around in my head, there flashed before my mental retinas a non-existent image of my family from nine or ten years ago. And in that image, tucked in the corner, with his arm around me, a bright smile on his handsome face and happiness flashing in his blue eyes, was my long-ago ex, FG. I remembered my recent reaction to discovering his marriage, then my more extreme reaction, some months later, to discovering the identity of his wife. The shakiness, the heart palpitations, the shortness of breath. All for a man I no longer loved or wanted.

But if I no longer loved him, if I no longer wanted him, then why was I so shaken when I found out about his wife? Why did I sit at my desk at my last temp job, unable to continue working, unable to concentrate on anything except for that photo in that trade paper and his last name attached to the first name of my former friend? Had I been fooling myself all these years? Had I convinced myself that he was a past I no longer wanted in my present, when possibly the opposite was true? And was that the reason that I've been unable to find any kind of romantic relationship, let alone the sort of relationship that I want in my life?

I listened to the music again and again, allowed it to wrap around my heart, and realized the truth. It was a truth that I had certainly known for many years, one that I had never hidden from myself, but one that I had been reluctant to seriously consider:

I've never forgiven him for leaving me.

The three of us sat at the outside table in the cooling night air, laughing and having dinner and pulling cards to give us insight into our most compelling life questions. Boychik and Sarriah were grilling me about the best way to phrase my question. "No mention of the word 'future'!" Boychik cautioned.

Sarriah nodded. "If you act as if it's in the future, then that's where it will always be. Act as if you have it now and it'll become your present." I still didn't know how to phrase my question, but I was a little bit closer. We hashed it over a bit more until finally Boychik took the cards - his dream cards, a birthday present from me - and asked, "What does Carol need to do to make herself ready for a relationship?" He tried to cut the cards, but they caught on the table and one card practically leapt out. The text under the drawing of a heart read, "Forgiveness."

Boychik picked up the cards, made a motion as if he were going to try again, but Sarriah and I looked at each other. I stopped him, took the card, and considered it long and hard.

"Boy, that card pretty much leapt out, didn't it?" queried Boychik. I nodded.

"You need to forgive, Carol. Not just FG, but, much as I hate to say it, your father, too," said Sarriah. I glanced up at her, my hands feeling warm and dry and tingly curled around the card.

"I know, but I don't know how. I'm still angry and hurt and I don't think FG deserves forgiveness. So how can I forgive? And how can I ever forgive my father? He deserves it even less."

Therein lies the issue. How can I forgive an ex who proved to be a coward in the end? And why would I ever forgive my father, a man whose sickness, whose unwillingness to accept responsibility, lack of remorse and complete dishonesty tore my family apart? And who may be a danger to others?

To me, forgiveness has always meant that I understood the reason a person did what he did, could see his side of it and, possibly, see where I might do the same thing, were I in the same circumstances. People fuck up. It's just part of human nature. And sometimes those fuck-ups are understandable and worthy of forgiveness. And while I'm closer to understanding FG's actions than my father's, to this day I still have trouble understanding why he couldn't just tell me that he was unhappy.

Were I to forgive FG and my father, then I suppose there's a part of me that would feel as if I were condoning what they've done, that I'm acting as if the pain they caused really didn't matter in the end, when it's been a big part of shaping who I am at this moment in time, whoever that is. And there have been other actions by a few other men over the 38 years of my life which could be seen as unforgivable. Should I forgive them for what they've done to me, the damage they've inflicted? How can I ever let go of that anger and pain?

But.

If I don't, if I let the hurt and fury churn away at me, chipping away at my heart and my soul, then how could I have room in my life for the loving relationship I so dearly want? Will there be a heart and soul left to accept the love when it's finally offered?

I've been trying so hard to tell my "heavy heart get lighter by yourself" for so long, because it really has been "so long since you capsized and you've been lying out there in the sun." How much longer can my heart bear the harsh, unrelenting sun of my Taurean stubbornness, my anger, my pain? And how tired am I of thinking, "what's the sense in being so sensitive? can i trade this thin skin for a shell?"

A few evenings ago, on the night of the full moon in Scorpio, with a total lunar eclipse in the offing, I played some Enya on the stereo. I sat nude in front of my alter, performing what I like to call candlework. Anointing my candles with oil essence, burning incense, a beautiful egg-shaped white quartz stone sitting between the black and white candles. And, as midnight struck, I lit the candles and imagined being enveloped and penetrated by a bright cleansing white light. Words spilled forth from my mouth, beseeching the hurt and anger and all perceptions of betrayal to leave me, to make room for true forgiveness, so that I might have wonder and light and joy and love and all the positive energies that I desired in my life.

Yes, it seems strange to some people that I might do such a trippy la-la New-Agey thing, but while there is a hearty skeptic that resides in me, I also honestly believe in at least the psychological effects that such a ceremony might have. And I admit I honestly believe that all things in the universe are connected, all people and elements and energies are part of one another and, as long as I don't perform manipulative candlework, my efforts will bear fruit.

Maybe I'll learn how to finally forgive. FG will fade from the mental picture, the jealous net around my heart will finally lift and I'll be truly open to love again.

Hey, anything's possible, right?

Labels: musical interlude