all the fun of the fair...

Friday was certainly...interesting. A lot of fun, but sometimes, well, not so much.

After work I bussed over to the Santa Monica Third Street Promenade to meet CuterNerdBoy for dinner and a midnight showing of Moulin Rouge. I'd never seen the movie before, mainly because its use of popular songs reminded me somewhat strongly of an extremely bad movie - Sextette, starring Mae West and Timothy Dalton. When I told CuteNerdBoy about that a couple of weeks ago, he stared at me in disbelief. Well, as much as he could while driving. Then he offered to have me over to his place for DVD watching, before quickly throwing out that maybe I wanted to watch it at Summer'85Boy's place instead, since I had previously mentioned that he had invited me over for DVD watching since I have no DVD player. I was amused by what I took to be some extraordinarily fast backpedaling (though FFDWG(FKaSarah) thought maybe it was a bit of a test). Then last weekend, when I asked to take him up on his offer, he told me that a theater in Santa Monica was playing it as a midnight showing.

Anyway, CuteNerdBoy had also invited two of his oldest and dearest friends to join us and I admit I was actually a little nervous about it. I have met a good portion of his family, but I had yet to meet any of his friends (though he's met several of mine).

Okay, that's not entirely true. One of his friends that was invited on Friday I had met before, back in high school. But that's because he was in my French class and was my peanut M&M's pusher (he sold them for chorus fundraising). But we weren't exceptionally close and I haven't seen him in nearly 20 years, so it's almost like meeting him for the first time. His other friend was a woman he had spoken about numerous times and is apparently the biggest Moulin Rouge fan alive so I was eager to meet her. I admit that I wanted to make a good impression on both of them. Probably because, despite our agreement that we're only good friends, there's a part of me that wonders if there's some way I can change his mind about that.

Yeah, those feelings are still far too prevalent. And Friday night they were out in full force.

So I met him in front of the theater as agreed, with our customary hugs and kisses, but he was alone. One of his friends definitely couldn't meet us, as she was comforting a mutual friend of theirs (who I also knew in high school). He called the other, who was still at work in Pasadena and most likely was unable to join us for dinner, and couldn't make the movie since he had to be up early the next day. But he would try to meet us somewhere between dinner and the movie, since he lived in the area. He never made it, but CuteNerdBoy was not surprised by that whatsoever.

I was both disappointed and pleased. I really did want to meet both of them, because they seem like they'd be pretty cool people. But the thought of having CuteNerdBoy to myself for at least most of the evening was appealing.

See my above comment re: my feelings.

So off to dinner we went, where we had some very yummy Asian food. I called FFDWG(FKaSarah) as I had previously agreed because I invited her along but she had a previous commitment and would try to join us for dinner once we let her know where we ended up. She was also unable to join us for dinner but would try to make the movie with her roommate.

It was a very fun dinner. We both had martinis (his a dragon-something, mine a dirty martini - and they certainly didn't skimp on the Tangueray) and laughed and ate. He told excrutiating puns, which earned him glares aplenty from me, and yet I had to admit they were fun puns. The alcohol made those niggling little feelings of mine unfurl just a little bit more. And I became more than a little flirtatious.

After dinner we walked some more, ducked into a used bookshop and both of us left with several books. By that time most of the stores were closing so I couldn't shop the way I truly wanted, which was probably just as well. More walking, more talking, some coffee at Barnes and Noble, many incidences of me playfully threatening to thwack him for some comment or other. And some complaining about my shoes, which were fine at first but now were growing painful, so we sat in front of the theater. And talked. About my insistence on wearing shoes that aren't entirely appropriate for walking (I had to dress up for my first day at work and, besides, I wanted to look nice - I don't feel that flat shoes look all that nice on me). About Rocky Horror Picture Show and our experiences attending midnight showings of that. He determined that, should I decide to ever dress up for Rocky Horror, I should go as Magenta. Which, considering that she's the one I've wanted to dress up as, was a good choice.

(Today I was talking to FFDWG(FKaSarah) about last night, as she was curious about my thoughts on Moulin Rouge and she ended up not joining us for the movie, and she also came up with Magenta for me. Apparently I am, without a doubt, a Magenta type. I have no idea what, if anything, that says about me.)

Soon we were standing in line, along with some people dressed up in costume, and as we talked all I could think of that I just wanted him to shut up, put his arms around me and kiss me.

Those stupid feelings? The ones I've been trying so hard to hold at bay, to tell them they're not entirely welcome because there is absolutely no point to them since he doesn't feel the same way? Were so not listening to me Friday night. And his wool black coat didn't help one iota. Because he looks so cute, so hot in that coat. I nearly whimpered the first time I saw him in it on Game Night.

It wasn't long before we entered the theater. They tried to have a preshow, with the costumed people participating in dancing, singing and costume contests. CuteNerdBoy urged me to go up there for the dancing and singing contests and I demurred. At first I thought he was just joking around, but later he insisted that, if I didn't have a cold (which was definitely affecting the sound of my voice) I should go up there and sing. That's when I realized he was serious. I guess he likes the sound of my singing voice. I thanked him and told him he was being very sweet, because I know that my singing voice is an iffy thing, sometimes very good and sometimes horribly off-key, especially in front of people, but I was, and am, very touched.

Then it was movie time. An interesting movie, and one that still needs to settle in. I didn't hate it. That's more than I thought I could say about it. There are parts of it that I loved - the Roxanne number was terrific, as were a few other numbers, and parts of it moved me tremendously. But as the movie ended and I sat in my seat, stunned, the only thought that ran around the hamster wheel in my mind was, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return, huh? Well, I've got the first part of that equation down cold. Why do I have so much difficulty with the second part?" I think, had I not been tired from being up for almost two days straight and had my eyes not been dry due to my tiredness I would have definitely been crying by the end of the movie.

Off home we went. He immediately popped in the mix CD that I gave him that night (#3 - play list is over to the side there). Not much talking, mainly because I just couldn't think of anything to say. I was tired and I was both numb and emotional. Instead I sang along to the music. I wondered aloud what type of song I could have sung in the singing contest with my cold-ridden voice - he suggested something, perhaps, from the Tom Waits ouevre, which earned him a verbal thwacking.

I remembered what he had said earlier in the evening, about the previous mix CDs. He had told me that he liked #2, but that #1 was excellent, that he thought I was inspired with that one. I didn't say to him, "Yeah, by you," though that was my thought. Then again, the other two are also inspired by him, each one with an over-riding theme that I realize after listening to them.

(#1 - I Want That Boy. #2 - That Boy Makes Me Sad and Horny. #3 - No Matter What, I'll Always Be There For That Boy. Yeah, it seems he's heavily influencing my song selection. I'm 2/3 done with compiling #4 - it'll be interesting to see what that one is all about.)

Anyway, we were back at my place by 3:30am and he walked me to my door, but he didn't really come in, even for his usual moment. Maybe the pieces of wood strewn about the living room (an Ikea end table I have to put together, once I get some wood glue to fix wood that was split while I was putting it together) put him off, along with the other messiness. But he didn't hug me either, just a quick peck on the lips. And he was gone.

I listened to some music, thought about the evening, going over his words and actions, dissecting them, as I always do, because sometimes I'm just too pathetic for words, and the tears that refused to fall before made an appearance. I know the alcohol was part of it, and I suspect PMS probably figures into it, but those things only magnified what was already there. And I was asleep by 4:30am, not waking up, until after noon. Saturday I just slept and watched TV and ate a little. My previous lack of sleep finally caught up with me, mixed with a bit of depression over this situation I've allowed myself to get caught in. Again.

I had a great time with him. I pretty much always do. But when those damned feelings push their way to the forefront, even when they know they're not going to be reciprocated, it makes it tough to say the night was an unqualified success. And I don't know how I'm going to get over these feelings. I know that I will eventually, at least I hope that I do, but man, it's just so hard. Next week is his birthday, so I'm going to take him out for dinner and a little something else (I haven't decided what yet), then the following Tuesday is February's BookCrossing meeting, so I know I'll be seeing him again pretty soon. But after that I'm thinking that I need a little time away from him. Or maybe time with no alcohol to exacerbate my feelings. I don't know. I care for him so much that the thought of being away from him hurts, but being with him isn't helping those feelings either, those feelings of adoration and "Why the hell doesn't he open up those damned soft brown eyes of his and see what, see who he could have?"

I'm not going to cut him out of my life, not at all. I don't think I could bear losing him again. But maybe I'll just let a month go by before seeing him at the BookCrossing meeting in March. Maybe that'll help a little.

G-d, I hope so.