Sunday, January 25, 2004

London Bridge is falling down... 

Heh, I just used that subject line for an e-mail I just sent (which is a wonder in itself, I have so not been in the mood to send e-mails lately, so I've got several friends who are no doubt languishing in waiting for me to respond to them - or they're just going about their lives, mildly cursing me for being such a flake - I'm betting the latter scenario is most likely).

So I'm not always the most original gal around. It's nearly 2am in the freaking morning, what d'ya expect?

A few days ago FFDWG(FKaSarah) decided that, having missed seeing the London Bridge while she was recently in London (what with it being in Arizona and all), she wanted to go on a road trip to Lake Havasu to check out the 131 year old bridge and she invited me along. I said, Sure, why not! So this morning we headed out there.

Really not much more to the story - we drove approximately four hours, walked around the "quaint English village", walked across the bridge (which was actually kind of neat), had some lunch/dinner, I shopped a tiny bit (a tiny bottle of actual London Bridge bits, a couple of strands of Mardi Gras beads to go with the beads from my recent Vegas trip, the beads that NeighborGirl brought back from New Orleans a few years ago to thank me for watching her kitties and the beads that CuteNerdBoy brought back for me from his recent New Orleans trip - along with a lovely red and black feather boa that I love, fun little things like that make me happy), then we headed back, getting into L.A. around 11pm. We stopped off at her place to pick up a desk chair that her roommate got from work but had no use for (which I am now sitting in, whee!), then back to my place a little after midnight.

While Lake Havasu is quite lovely and I'll admit the bridge is kinda cool - with its original lamp posts fitted for electricity - I can't say that I'll be rushing out there again any time soon.

But I am certainly ready for another road trip. They can be pretty fun!


So, I've been doing some thinking.

(Oh, stop with the screaming, already. Sheesh!)

It's been over a week since LiterateLawyerGuy and I had our IM conversation. I've thought about my feelings, processed them to a certain extent, and wondered why I didn't cry more about his decision. It comes down to this: yes, I was hurt. I was angry. And I was disappointed.

I still am disappointed, because I still think he's wrong about us ultimately not being compatible. But those other feelings have somewhat dissipated. The anger and the hurt. I'm left with a certain fondness for him, and I hope he does call me at some point, as he promised he would, but otherwise I'm okay. Because I realized that, as fond for him as I grew to be, and as much as I hoped that something positive would develop between us, I never let my feelings get too deep. I'd been down that road far too recently to let myself really be there again. Especially since, when LiterateLawyerGuy and I first started to get to know one another, through e-mails and IMing and phone conversations, I was still working out my feelings for CuteNerdBoy, working on transitioning them into something that was less all-consuming.

(Every once in a while I still have to work on that. But I'm getting better about it. Most of the time.)

What will happen with LiterateLawyerGuy in the future? Will anything happen with him, such as becoming friends? I don't know. I haven't the foggiest idea. And sometimes I wonder if I would even have time for another friend, much as I like having cool people in my life. It seems I barely have time for the friends I have now.

But I am starting to think my stand on no casual sex is a little wrong-headed. While I had tremendous fun with LiterateLawyerGuy, it's been nearly two years since I've had full-on, all-out, go-all-the-way sex, with intercourse and everything. As you may have guessed by now, I am not a woman that does well with a celibate lifestyle. And that whole "women reaching their sexual peak as they near 40" thing that people talk about? Well, those people ain't just whistling Dixie, my friends.

Maybe I just need to take fuck-buddy applications. Just until I can get a relationship up and running. Hey, there's an idea.

Granted, it's probably a bad idea, but an idea nonetheless.

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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