Thursday, January 15, 2004

I'm Tired... 

I'm just so fucking tired of it all. I don't know why I can't seem to catch a fucking break in the romance department.

Finally I heard from LiterateLawyerGuy. Actually, we both happened to sign on to IM at the same time. That's happened before, but, in keeping with not trying to be one more thing to overwhelm him in his already far too busy life, I never instigated a chat session, wanting him to make the first move. Especially after a rather steamy story that I sent him last week. Well, he never made the first move.

So today I thought, "What the hell? I'll just drop a quick little line. Can't hurt, right?"

Au contraire, mes amis. It most certainly can hurt.

We chatted for an hour, but there were long moments of silence. The gist of the IM chat? From his viewpoint, our timing is off and, much as he likes me, thinks I'm smart and cool, in the long run he just doesn't see us as compatible. According to his gut instinct. He admitted to pursuing me heavily and overpromising himself when he wasn't in a position to do so, and of course he gave me the "I don't want to hurt you and I hate hurting you" line, which I know is completely sincere. But if these men hate hurting me so much, why do they consistently do so?

I was honest with him, told him I was angry and hurt and disappointed. At the developments, at him and at myself. Angry at him, for overselling himself and not coming through. I know he sincerely meant it all at the time, but fuck! Have a realistic idea of what is happening in your life before pursuing a woman full tilt like that! And I'm angry at myself for, once again, letting someone in too quickly. I tried to hold off with him, I really did, but I just got caught up in the whirlwind of his pursuit and thought, "Hey, this guy just might be different."

I'm beginning to wonder if any men are different. It's the same old pattern of me getting involved with someone unavailable. Usually it's emotional unavailability, but this time it was geographical and time unavailability. And maybe a bit emotionally as well. When he signed off he said we'd talk soon, and again I know he meant it as he typed it, but the cynic in me - never far away - just snorted and said, "Yeah, right. what the fuck ever." If I'm not careful, that cynic could take over way too easily. I just have to be on my guard against her.

At least the men are being more honest with me these days. That's got to count for something, right? Now I have to figure out how to attract honest men that are available, emotionally and geographically. That was one of the things that I burned on my effigy at the New Year's Eve party, unavailable men. I hope it'll do some good.

I've got to get off-line now. I've been up for over four hours, I'm hungry because I haven't eaten all day, I've had a headache since I woke up that is steadily getting worse and I'm just fucking tired of everything.

So, how long does it take before 2004 starts getting better? I mean, I know it's barely underway, but I'm ready.


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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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