Wednesday, December 31, 2003

No year-end wrap-up... 

I'm sorry, I didn't quite realize that I hadn't updated since Sunday. It's been a little busy.

So, here it is, the last day of 2003. Most people do year-end wrap up, but what's to wrap up? Especially since I've been writing this 'blog for only six months. The wrap-up? Most of the first half of 2003 (along with the last quarter of 2002) sucked humoungous pointy rocks. The last half of 2003 wasn't as bad, though it certainly had its moments of suckitude. And I have absolutely no idea what 2004 is going to hold for me. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a good one. A really good one. But I'm also scared. Every time I think things are starting to look up, the other shoe drops. Right now so many other shoes have dropped that it looks like a shoe warehouse in my apartment.

Ok, maybe it's just time to put my shoes away. And recognize that at least I still have it better than a lot of other people out there.

So today started out beautiful and full of promise. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, it was actually warm outside and I got some unexpected money from Lions Gate. Yea!

Then I went in for a manicure, pedicure and eyebrow waxing. The manicure and pedicure came out lovely. The eyebrows? Not so much. Matter of fact, they're horribly thin - too thin for my face, which, while lovely, is not delicate enough for the eyebrows it is now sporting. I am profoundly unhappy about the appearance of my eyebrow and furious at the woman for 1) not listening to me when I told her that I just wanted the brows to be cleaned up and 2) for trying to convince me that my eyebrows now look "superior". Yep, that was her word. "Superior". When I told her, no, they're not superior, they're too thin, she suggested that I use an eyebrow pencil. I have naturally luxuriant eyebrows that are perfect for my face - minus a little of the bushiness - I should not have to use a fucking eyebrow pencil on them!

Yeah, I'm still pissed off about it. Especially since, until my eyebrows grow back, I'm going to look horribly unkempt. Oh, it's probably not as bad as I think, but I'm still very angry about it.

Then, after weeks of not being able to have a conversation - spoken or IM - with LiterateLawyerGuy, we finally talk for a few minutes on Monday and IM for a few minutes yesterday. I was still waiting to hear if he was going to accompany me to a party I'm attending tonight, thrown by Summer'85Boy and PythonMan (same guys that threw the Halloween party I went to). I got my answer less than an hour ago - no.

While he still likes me and is attracted to me and would like to see me again, with family and son and work obligations he just doesn't have any extra time for me right now and doesn't know when he will. So, for the time being, he suggested that we just not have any expectations of anything even semi-regular. And hopefully circumstances will change in the next month or so.

If you guessed I was more than a little disappointed by that, you'd be absolutely right. I did let him know that, because I'm finally learning that being honest about what I'm thinking and feeling is a good thing. We talked about it a little, with him talking more than me because I didn't know what else to say but, "I appreciate your honesty, I understand your position, but I am disappointed." I mean, what else is there to say?

So I agreed with his plan of action: to try to keep in contact every few days or so, to see each other when possible, but not to expect anything further right now. I just need to decide over the next few weeks or so if that's something that will work for me. It's hard, because in the past I've been used to men more geographically accessible, as well as men who didn't have so many other commitments. Intellectually I knew what I was letting myself in for when we started corresponding, but it's very different in practice. And I certainly didn't expect him to work his way under my skin as quickly has he has.

Maybe that's what I need to change in the new year. In many ways I'm a very picky woman, but when I decide I like someone, I like them. A lot. And I let them into my heart and soul far too easily. I've got to learn hold off a little more. I don't want to turn hard and cynical, because I'll never be happy if I'm like that. But I am very tired of the pain. I am very tired of dashed expectations. It happened with CuteNerdBoy and less than three months later it's happening again with LiterateLawyerGuy.

It's funny. Since the break-up with my ex FG back in '97 I've dated a bit, I've had crushes on a few men and I've had sex with a few others (sometimes even the same men that I dated or had a crush on), but there have only been two men that have managed to wrap themselves around my heart enough to cause me this kind of pain. And both of them entered (or re-entered) my life in the latter half of 2003. I have to wonder what that says about me.

Well, despite the part of me that wants to stay home right now and cry my eyes out (even though I've already cried about my eyebrows and LiterateLawyerGuy), I'm going to the party after all, probably with WestHollywoodGuy (and possibly OlderBro and OBGirlfriend might show up, too). I'll dress up, look as gorgeous as I possibly can, wearing the new open-toed heels that I bought and bright glittery lip gloss, and I'm going to flaunt my cleavage and flirt my eyelashes off. I'll participate in the Burning Of The Effigies Of All That Sucked In 2003, with wooden effigies and bonfire thoughtfully provided by the hosts.

G-ddamn it, I'm ringing in 2004 in high style, with hopes that the pendulum swinging done by WestHollywoodBoy and myself last night will come true in 2004, for the both of us.

(Sorry, the questions the pendulum answered are personal. But damn, it would be great if they came true!)

Y'all, have a kick-ass New Year's Eve and a fabulous (and relatively hung-over free) New Year's Day. And here's to a positive 2004 - may it hold far more positive than negative things for all of us.

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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