Sunday, December 07, 2003

Musical interlude... 

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb

Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud

It's hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
It's never rained like it has tonight before

Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

Rain by Patty Griffin (from 1000 Kisses)

A beautiful song. One I first heard this morning while waiting for FFDWG(FKaSarah) to pick me up for a driving lesson (she's teaching me how to drive a manual transmission).

A light rain tapped on the windowpanes as I sat on my sofa. I turned the list of songs over in my hand, listening to the words, the music, feeling that familiar sensation of exultation when listening to a song that I know will fast become a favorite. Combined with exultation was sadness, overwhelming sadness.

Yesterday I spent at Disneyland with RockerChick (it was a birthday outing for her and she milked it for all it was worth - smart, smart girl), her hubby UPSGuy and a few of her friends, all of whom I'm well-acquainted with. And CuteNerdBoy. RockerChick invited him since they've recently become reacquainted and, since I'm carless, he agreed to give me a ride. We were there pretty much all day, with RockerChick, UPSGuy, CuteNerdBoy and myself closing down the park. We had a fabulous time: eating a great lunch at the Blue Bayou Restaurant, going on the Nightmare Before Christmas Haunted Mansion twice, riding a couple of other irdes, joking around with the Disney Cast Members, gaining primo VIP seating for Fantasmic. Way. Too much fun for one day.

The entire time I tried on my new "Friends Only" jacket with CuteNerdBoy. Most of the time the fit was a good one. I tried my best to appear to be nothing more than a close friend, attempting to make sure I didn't look like ClingyGirl. It was harder to do that when RockerChick grabbed me from the back of the group in the Teacups line and plopped me next to him so that we would be sure to share a teacup.

(I got so dizzy on that ride - CuteNerdBoy spun us like crazy and all I could do was cling to the side for dear life and shriek laughter like a particularly demented banshee.

I swear it must have also been "Throw Carol Around" day. I was either grabbed and tossed into some of the others to have my picture taken or I was unknowingly in someone's way of another picture and thrown out of the picture. It seemed like everyone, including CuteNerdBoy, got in on the act. [Actually CuteNerdBoy may have been the one to start the trend, now that I think about it.] I let them know that a few words would be sufficient to get me to move where they wanted me.)

But every once in a while I found the jacket binding, my arms tight at my side, the fabric heavier than I thought I could comfortably wear. Towards the end of the evening the five of us that were left watched the fireworks in delight. PainterGal and I stood with our arms around each other (her hubby couldn't make it) and I looped my free arm in CuteNerdBoy's. After a while his arm wound around my shoulder and the three of us stood like that until the end of the fireworks and through part of the falling "snow". His arm dropped and I looped mine around it again.

Later, as we walked to get some hot chocolate before Fantasmic started, PainterGal and I held hands. She proclaimed, "I don't need my husband! I have my girlfriend Carol to hold hands with!" At that point CuteNerdBoy's arm, around which my arm was still lightly looped, slid down and his hand took mine. And yet, despite my own jumbled emotions, I wouldn't trade those touches for anything.

I may have been wearing my "Friends Only" jacket, but I'll admit there were times it was hard to remember that. Especially when today, while at a surprise birthday party today that UPSGuy threw for RockerChick, those who were at both events were asking about CuteNerdBoy, wondering if we were dating, all saying what a great guy he was. I just nodded and smiled and agreed, keeping my pain to myself. And then RockerChick asked me, in front of everyone, details about my Vegas trip. Later I proceeded to flirt shamelessly with a co-worker of UPSGuy, to which he responded positively.

That jacket fit a little better. For a while at least.

So this morning I listened to Rain, remembered the thrill of yesterday, the sheer "having a blast" of it all, and felt the pain of my too keen longing. I wondered how it was possible that the same weekend contained such a range of extreme emotion.

I look forward to the inevitable day that my "Friends Only" jacket fits as if it were tailor-made for CuteNerdBoy and myself. It certainly won't be overnight, but I know it'll happen. Each time I see him I'm sure will be easier than the time before.

P.S.I wrote and posted this on Sunday night, but had trouble publishing it until Monday.


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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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