Friday, November 21, 2003

Bustling, jostling thoughts... 

I was going to write a somewhat humorous entry, but there's too much else going on in my head. Too many thoughts bouncing around my mind tonight. Too many thoughts about boys. I swear boys will be my downfall. Too many boys to write about. Well, not too many, as three really aren't a whole heck of a lot. But three boys are more than I'm used to thinking about at once. So maybe I'll just hit the highlights, because, much like Lays (heh), I can't choose just one.

The trick now is to figure out who to start with. Why not he who has figured so prominently thus far? It feels as if CuteNerdBoy and I are really, truly working our friendship out. We've continued exchanging e-mails while he's been out of town this past week (mine incredibly rambling, as I can't seem to be brief to save my life), and I feel as if we're on firmer ground. The sadness is mostly gone, with the occasional twinge here and there. But that's normal, as I tend to take a little while to work through my emotions. As I predicted, I'll be okay. We'll be okay.

Next up? LiterateLawyerGuy. We chatted last night for a while, then switched to talking on the phone. Yep, we've already moved on to the phone. We spoke for 1 1/2 hours, about various subjects, he read some poetry to me (both original and poems by T.S. Eliot and Wilfred Owen) and we flirted shamelessly. It was fun, I really enjoyed it. We've decided that we want to continue with the chatting and the talking, maybe moving on to an actual date fairly soon. He's not always local, as the law firm he works for is based in San Diego and he splits his time between San Diego and Los Angeles, but I'm sure we'll get together soon enough. I have to say, the thought of dating someone that isn't within a 50 mile radius pulls me up short, but maybe it's time I tried something new.

Boy #3 is someone I shouldn't even be thinking about, or worrying about. He's in my past and will continue to be in my past. But what do you stumble upon some new information about him that maybe you didn't want to know? When you find out the man you once lived with, the man you once thought was the love of your life, who you loved more than life itself, the man that left you when you made it clear that the next step in the relationship was marriage and that you would accept nothing less - what do you do when you find out he's married? That somewhere over the last however many years it's been he found someone that he was more willing to marry, to share the rest of his life with, than you?

It's so weird. I'm not in love with him anymore. However, I learned so many valuable lessons from that relationship that I'll always be indebted to it, and to him.

But to know, without a doubt, that he's moved on, started a new life while I've felt stagnant for so many years, despite my best efforts, that it's only now that I'm starting to really feel like a truly desirable woman again, it strikes against me. I start to wonder what about me wasn't good enough for him. Or apparently any other man from 1997 to 2003. Yeah, that's how long it's been since my last romantic relationship.

Geez, self-pity much? Here I've been like Scarlett O'Hara lately, the boys flocking around (at least in the online world), and I'm saying, "Fiddle-dee-dee, oh woe is me." I'm just working it all out in my head again, trying to process this new information. Wondering where it's eventually going to be filed and why I'm letting it affect me.

It's affecting me enough that I can't even think of an ending for this entry. Well, ain't that a kicker? I'll just sleep on it and see where it sits tomorrow.

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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