Tuesday, November 18, 2003

And now... 

...the sadness sets in.

It started Sunday night and, with the exception of a few bright spots here and there, I've been finding myself really sad about what's been happening in regards to CuteNerdBoy.

(I swear, one of these days I'll stop posting about him. Honest. I'll find someone else to post about endlessly.)

We're still friends. That hasn't changed. I have no doubt that our friendship (which, to be perfectly honest, is actually still rather new), will mature into an even more incredible friendship as time goes by. I actually look forward to that process.

I know that as the days pass and emotions settle, I'll move past this sorrow that pulls down on my heart. It's just all still a little fresh.

I suppose the melancholy is inevitable. I've allowed my emotions for him deepen, perhaps too quickly. I had a certain outcome set in mind these last four or five months. I knew what I wanted, who I wanted, and let his own mixed feelings and signals fuel my vivid fantasies, no matter how grounded I tried to be.

Now I'm having to stop, re-evaluate the feelings and the facts that are roiling in me. It's hard to change gears, especially for someone like me. Someone who knows that change is inevitable, having grown up in a constant state of flux, but unwittingly resists it. Especially when my emotions are involved.

That shift makes me sad.

Oddly enough, there's a new development that, while it has proven to be one of those bright spots I mentioned at the beginning, is also exacerbating my sense of loss.

I previously wrote that I've been having an e-mail exchange with a fascinating gentleman that I met through Match.com. We've since chatted online a few times and I'm finding him thoroughly delightful. He makes me smile and laugh and even blush. We've yet to speak on the phone or in person, but so far I'm enjoying our exchanges immensely. We have another chat date tonight.

In addition, I've since received lovely e-mails from a couple of other gentlemen that seem interesting. The dating life could be looking up.

How does that exacerbate my sorrow about what's happening with CuteNerdBoy? Well, you see that door in the corner? The one to a hopeful, beautiful romantic relationship with him, the one that he had closed for the time being, but was perhaps still open just a little bit? With other men entering the picture, it feels as if the CuteNerdBoy Relationship Door is shutting completely. It's shutting and might be locked, then nailed close.

That hurts. That makes me very sad.

Look, I'll be okay. We'll be okay. As I've said way too many times before, he means enough to me as a person that I value him too much to let him leave my life completely. Aside from what is going on with him in his own self, he's just a fabulous guy. I like to have fabulous people in my world. It's one of the things that make me happiest. Like root beer and peanut butter.

CuteNerdBoy can no longer be my oxygen. He must now be my peanut butter. And it's time for laughter and flirtation to lighten my heavy heart again.

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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