Thursday, October 30, 2003

I think I'm feeling tired again... 

It's after 1am on Thursday morning. I should be in bed. I should be sleeping a deep, restful sleep, especially since I fell asleep on my sofa Wednesday night as I started to watch the episode of Angel that I had taped off TNT (They Know Drama - ugh), had a very, um, physical dream (three guesses as to the content and participants of said dream) and woke up at 5am, only to go back to sleep in my bed, still in my street clothes because I was that tired, whereupon I finally got out of bed at about 6:30am. About six hours of sleep, five of which were uninterrupted. For me, that's actually pretty good, but I still should be more physically tired than I am.

And yet I stay up, writing an entry that I can't even post for a while because Blogger is down for routine maintenance. Still, I feel compelled to write. Too bad I'm not feeling compelled to write something which I could potentially sell to a magazine.

Oddly enough, though my body is only slightly fatigued, my mind is, once again, rather weary. I had so hoped that October would be a good month, better than September with its weird familial associations, its constant overtime at work and a singular lack of hanging out with CuteNerdBoy.

But it's become just another month, slightly better in some ways, definitely worse in others. All the stuff about my mom's health still weighs heavily on my mind. I worry about her, but short of what my siblings and I are already doing for her, I don't see there's anything else to be done. For her health, her life to improve, she has to take the necessary steps. She says she will, but all of us kids have our doubts.

The work situation with BossGuy gone continues to set me on edge because, though I know I have other resources and I'll probably be okay, I feel as if I've lost my safety net and I worry that I'll rise to the level of my own incompetence. Because I'm no BossGuy and I never will be.

The fires blanketing Southern California concern me. I read others' entries, wonder what's wrong with me that I can't seem to write more about them than, "They suck, yea - my family's not in danger, arsonists suck." I know someone with a sister that lost her home in the fires, luckily they've already been able to bounce back a little. It all frightens me, saddens me, but I'm unable to articulate these thoughts and feelings.

Where do my words go instead? To the matter of CuteNerdBoy. True, it is the most recent development, such as it is, but surely I can find other matters to which I can devote my attention, matters that don't involve just me and one other person. Apparently not. Thing is, it's not like the situation changed. It's not even like my understanding of the situation changed, because I know that everything he said was something I already knew deep down. He just made it concrete. At my prompting, I might add.

Tuesday evening I got a supportive e-mail from Christopher, who is quickly becoming a friend - well, we are friends on Friendster, after all. In response to my fairy tale entry, he wrote (reprinted with Chris' permission):
Carol, you're a lot braver than I. [...] I admire your faith in love...your willingness to open yourself up to possibilities both happy and hurtful.

It was very sweet of him to write me with such supportive words. It made me feel good. But I can't say I've been feeling all that brave today - I mean, yesterday. I think things are starting to sink in. I'm not all that happy about it. I've been kind of down these past twenty-four hours. And I'm wondering what I should do next, how I should handle these feelings. Hell, this time I can't even blame my yo-yo emotions on PMS, because that ain't for another couple of weeks.

Sometimes thoughts run through my head, informing me that maybe I shouldn't open myself to possibilities, that the inevitible outcome hurts too much, that I'd be so much better off if I just said, "To hell with it all," and tried to shut off my feelings. But I know I'm just not wired that way. As I told Chris, that way lies true misery for someone like me and I'm really not such a fan of the misery. So I will, no doubt, put my heart on the line again. I have to. Or else I'll never be really happy.

I stand by my statement that I'm very pleased CuteNerdBoy and I had a chance to talk, to get things out in the open. I think uncertainties would have been far more detrimental to me, to each of us, than the truth. I also stand by my desire to stay in contact with him. He's too cool a person to push away. I know that I'll come to terms with our friendship on whatever level it settles into. Whether it stays where it is, becomes a deeper friendship or turns into a fulfilling relationship, I will be okay with it. I hope he will too, that he won't feel awkward being my friend, knowing what he now knows (and no doubt suspected) about my feelings for him being a little deeper than his for me. Neither of us knows what'll happen in the future, so perhaps it's time for us to enjoy our revived friendship in the present. And to not force it into something that might be ill-fitting for both of us. If it's just seeing movies and having dinner and laughing the night away? So be it.

I'll admit, though, I do hope it'll be more than that. For instance, watching live theatre would be great. Live music would be very cool too. Going to parties is fun. Maybe watching videos and DVDs. I enjoy doing that stuff with friends. I'd love to do all that with him.

With luck and hard work, November will be a better, brighter month for everyone. And my mind will swing off its one track.

I just hope it doesn't swing into the path of a bullet train.

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Carol/Female/36-40. Lives in United States/California/Los Angeles/San Fernando Valley, speaks English. Spends 40% of daytime online. Uses a Normal (56k) connection.
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