Saturday, September 20, 2003
I'm tired...
...tired of people, tired of work, tired of everything.
I probably shouldn't even post tonight, since I'm feeling all emotional and weepy again. Though maybe it'll make for an entertaining train wreck type 'blog, for people who get off on that sort of thing. I know you're out there. Have fun!
I love my family. I really do. But right now I would so love to just divorce them and move to Alaska, because, frankly, I'm tired of their expectations that I should put my life on hold because I'm the only kid without a significant other or a child.
The details are many and convoluted, all tied in with the whole "Father" deal, and I'd rather not go into them, mainly because it's not just me involved. I know I have less responsibilties than my other siblings. I realize this and I do understand their points of view. But they act as though my current life is one that I planned for, that I'd always hoped to be single and living alone at the age of 37.
I'll allow that some of it is my own doing. If I weren't so picky, if I didn't insist on wanting only the best guy for me, if I didn't refuse to just settle for someone, anyone, then I'm sure I'd be married and I'd have children by now. But that's not how it has worked out. So I'm trying to make the best of it, to enjoy the life that I do have and work on making a better one.
But sometimes it's hard when my siblings seem to think my life is nothing but working and partying. And all I can think is that each and every one of them have someone that, at the end of the day, they can turn to. Someone who will hug them and kiss them and try to make it all better. And I? Have my cats.
Most of the time I'm okay with living alone. I like the autonomy. I like the quiet. Of course I'd like to have someone in my life, because life is just that much richer with another person along to share the ride. But I'm okay by myself.
It's just at the end of a bad day, when emotions are running high and I just want to be held and told, "It'll be okay," that I really miss having another person around. I miss having a shoulder to cry on. And I miss being there for someone else. I miss being the strong shoulder, the hair stroker, the reassurance person for a man who's willing to admit that sometimes he may need that from me.
And I resent the implications from family members that I chose not to have such a person in my life.
Tomorrow (I mean today, Saturday) I have a therapist appointment. Plus OlderBro and BabySis and I are getting together with my mom to celebrate her birthday. On top of that we'll be helping Mom go over some papers, which promises to be a hoot and a half. With that, and other people related things bouncing around in my brain (I miss CuteNerdBoy underneath it all, like a low steady hum), by the end of the day I'll definitely be emotionally wiped out.
And ready to book that plane to Alaska.
Think it'll be too cold for my cats?
I probably shouldn't even post tonight, since I'm feeling all emotional and weepy again. Though maybe it'll make for an entertaining train wreck type 'blog, for people who get off on that sort of thing. I know you're out there. Have fun!
I love my family. I really do. But right now I would so love to just divorce them and move to Alaska, because, frankly, I'm tired of their expectations that I should put my life on hold because I'm the only kid without a significant other or a child.
The details are many and convoluted, all tied in with the whole "Father" deal, and I'd rather not go into them, mainly because it's not just me involved. I know I have less responsibilties than my other siblings. I realize this and I do understand their points of view. But they act as though my current life is one that I planned for, that I'd always hoped to be single and living alone at the age of 37.
I'll allow that some of it is my own doing. If I weren't so picky, if I didn't insist on wanting only the best guy for me, if I didn't refuse to just settle for someone, anyone, then I'm sure I'd be married and I'd have children by now. But that's not how it has worked out. So I'm trying to make the best of it, to enjoy the life that I do have and work on making a better one.
But sometimes it's hard when my siblings seem to think my life is nothing but working and partying. And all I can think is that each and every one of them have someone that, at the end of the day, they can turn to. Someone who will hug them and kiss them and try to make it all better. And I? Have my cats.
Most of the time I'm okay with living alone. I like the autonomy. I like the quiet. Of course I'd like to have someone in my life, because life is just that much richer with another person along to share the ride. But I'm okay by myself.
It's just at the end of a bad day, when emotions are running high and I just want to be held and told, "It'll be okay," that I really miss having another person around. I miss having a shoulder to cry on. And I miss being there for someone else. I miss being the strong shoulder, the hair stroker, the reassurance person for a man who's willing to admit that sometimes he may need that from me.
And I resent the implications from family members that I chose not to have such a person in my life.
Tomorrow (I mean today, Saturday) I have a therapist appointment. Plus OlderBro and BabySis and I are getting together with my mom to celebrate her birthday. On top of that we'll be helping Mom go over some papers, which promises to be a hoot and a half. With that, and other people related things bouncing around in my brain (I miss CuteNerdBoy underneath it all, like a low steady hum), by the end of the day I'll definitely be emotionally wiped out.
And ready to book that plane to Alaska.
Think it'll be too cold for my cats?
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