Friday, September 05, 2003
And here we go...
...again.
This morning I, along with a few other people, received a joyful e-mail from the sister of BestFriend. She and her long-time boyfriend are engaged. Yea!
Except not so much.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for BestFriendSis and her fiancé. They’re both great people and deserve all the happiness in the world. (Well, maybe not all the happiness – they should save a little for others, ya know.) With my own baby sister engaged to be married, the wedding being next July, I’m looking forward to attending the weddings of two wonderful women whom I’ve known for a very long time (BabySis since, well, her birth and BestFriendSis since she was twelve and wearing plastic barrettes in her hair).
But then the self-digs and the self-doubts start. The girly thoughts start running through my mind and I wonder, “When will it be my turn?”
Now, I’m not looking to get married this second. Or even the next few years. I’m a firm believer in, “It’ll happen when it happens.” I mean, if all I cared about was the presence of a ring on my left hand and a husband on my right arm, I know I could be married right now. A friend’s husband has a cousin that is (or at least was) interested in me and was prepared to propose to me last December, though we never dated or shared more than a hug and kiss on the cheek. My friend and her hubby quickly nixed the proposed proposal, knowing I was not interested in him. Oh, he’s nice enough and smart enough and not bad looking. A little too skinny for my tastes, but still cute. He’d be a great catch for a woman who’s looking for a sweet, intelligent guy she can steam-roll over.
Me, I’m not looking for such a guy. I’m not attracted to men that are easily disconcerted by women. Respect, absolutely. Mutual respect is a must. But I’m a pretty opinionated woman. Some people think I have a strong personality and a few guys have even told me there’s something about intimidating about me. I don’t get that myself, as I think I’m just a big ol’ pussycat and not at all the confrontational type, but hey, there you are. So guys I’m interested in tend to be good at the old give-and-take, have the strength of their convictions, possess a spine. And are able to be such without being arrogant or abusive. I don't think that's too much to ask.
(My neighbor did propose to me last year, but he was drunk and didn’t want me to leave his very loud party because then he’d have to quiet down a little so I could get some sleep at 3am. I took that proposal with a huge barrel of salt.)
So, yeah, I’m willing to wait for the right man to come along, for a relationship to develop naturally, without rushing into something that might not work in the long run (though I’ll admit that often my hormones try to convince me otherwise). I’ve been down that road before and I certainly don’t want to go there again. Of my four ex-boyfriends I romantically loved three of them. And of those three? Though two of them are great guys (the third was ok, but too arrogant and politically conservative – he’s a gun collector, for heaven’s sake), only one of them wouldn’t incite me to trashing my place were I married to them. Interestingly enough, that one guy is the only one I’ve ever lived with and we were friends for years before we became involved.
Still.
I’m 37 years old. I know I want children. Though I’ve wanted to adopt a child as far back as I can remember, I wouldn’t mind having a child of my own before menopause rears its ugly head, which is getting closer and closer every year. And I’m a little old fashioned in that I would really like a partner, a husband, to help me raise the child.
It’s not just about the raising of children, though. I enjoy having a romantic companion. At least I have in the past. I’m certainly “complete” all by my little lonesome, but I find having a long-term companion enhances my quality of life. It’s fun. It’s exhilarating. It makes me strive to be a better person. It’s a safe, secure, warm, wonderful feeling. And I like to have someone around to whom I can return the favor.
I want a wedding, to have my family and friends join me in celebrating the love that I share with another, to witness the pledging of hearts and bodies and souls and minds. I think it’s beautiful when I’m lucky enough to share in that at the weddings of friends and family and I would love to have the people I care about, the people that we care about, share in that with my groom and me.
Yeah, I’m a big old fashioned incurable romantic mushball. Sue me.
So news like this, like that of BabySis and BestFriendSis, while it makes me all happy and “Yea!” for them, also makes me start wondering about the lack of a significant other in my own life. Wondering if I’ll ever share my life with another, or walk down that aisle with an irrepressible smile on my face and tears of joy in my eyes. My heart wars with my mind, my self-esteem with my inner critic, and it all makes me just a little bit sad for myself.
But ya know, I’m sure it will be my turn someday. Because I’m a hell of a woman. And I know that, somewhere, there’s a man out there who I deserve and who deserves me. I refuse to settle for less.
I just hope I’m not 52 by the time we hook up.
This morning I, along with a few other people, received a joyful e-mail from the sister of BestFriend. She and her long-time boyfriend are engaged. Yea!
Except not so much.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for BestFriendSis and her fiancé. They’re both great people and deserve all the happiness in the world. (Well, maybe not all the happiness – they should save a little for others, ya know.) With my own baby sister engaged to be married, the wedding being next July, I’m looking forward to attending the weddings of two wonderful women whom I’ve known for a very long time (BabySis since, well, her birth and BestFriendSis since she was twelve and wearing plastic barrettes in her hair).
But then the self-digs and the self-doubts start. The girly thoughts start running through my mind and I wonder, “When will it be my turn?”
Now, I’m not looking to get married this second. Or even the next few years. I’m a firm believer in, “It’ll happen when it happens.” I mean, if all I cared about was the presence of a ring on my left hand and a husband on my right arm, I know I could be married right now. A friend’s husband has a cousin that is (or at least was) interested in me and was prepared to propose to me last December, though we never dated or shared more than a hug and kiss on the cheek. My friend and her hubby quickly nixed the proposed proposal, knowing I was not interested in him. Oh, he’s nice enough and smart enough and not bad looking. A little too skinny for my tastes, but still cute. He’d be a great catch for a woman who’s looking for a sweet, intelligent guy she can steam-roll over.
Me, I’m not looking for such a guy. I’m not attracted to men that are easily disconcerted by women. Respect, absolutely. Mutual respect is a must. But I’m a pretty opinionated woman. Some people think I have a strong personality and a few guys have even told me there’s something about intimidating about me. I don’t get that myself, as I think I’m just a big ol’ pussycat and not at all the confrontational type, but hey, there you are. So guys I’m interested in tend to be good at the old give-and-take, have the strength of their convictions, possess a spine. And are able to be such without being arrogant or abusive. I don't think that's too much to ask.
(My neighbor did propose to me last year, but he was drunk and didn’t want me to leave his very loud party because then he’d have to quiet down a little so I could get some sleep at 3am. I took that proposal with a huge barrel of salt.)
So, yeah, I’m willing to wait for the right man to come along, for a relationship to develop naturally, without rushing into something that might not work in the long run (though I’ll admit that often my hormones try to convince me otherwise). I’ve been down that road before and I certainly don’t want to go there again. Of my four ex-boyfriends I romantically loved three of them. And of those three? Though two of them are great guys (the third was ok, but too arrogant and politically conservative – he’s a gun collector, for heaven’s sake), only one of them wouldn’t incite me to trashing my place were I married to them. Interestingly enough, that one guy is the only one I’ve ever lived with and we were friends for years before we became involved.
Still.
I’m 37 years old. I know I want children. Though I’ve wanted to adopt a child as far back as I can remember, I wouldn’t mind having a child of my own before menopause rears its ugly head, which is getting closer and closer every year. And I’m a little old fashioned in that I would really like a partner, a husband, to help me raise the child.
It’s not just about the raising of children, though. I enjoy having a romantic companion. At least I have in the past. I’m certainly “complete” all by my little lonesome, but I find having a long-term companion enhances my quality of life. It’s fun. It’s exhilarating. It makes me strive to be a better person. It’s a safe, secure, warm, wonderful feeling. And I like to have someone around to whom I can return the favor.
I want a wedding, to have my family and friends join me in celebrating the love that I share with another, to witness the pledging of hearts and bodies and souls and minds. I think it’s beautiful when I’m lucky enough to share in that at the weddings of friends and family and I would love to have the people I care about, the people that we care about, share in that with my groom and me.
Yeah, I’m a big old fashioned incurable romantic mushball. Sue me.
So news like this, like that of BabySis and BestFriendSis, while it makes me all happy and “Yea!” for them, also makes me start wondering about the lack of a significant other in my own life. Wondering if I’ll ever share my life with another, or walk down that aisle with an irrepressible smile on my face and tears of joy in my eyes. My heart wars with my mind, my self-esteem with my inner critic, and it all makes me just a little bit sad for myself.
But ya know, I’m sure it will be my turn someday. Because I’m a hell of a woman. And I know that, somewhere, there’s a man out there who I deserve and who deserves me. I refuse to settle for less.
I just hope I’m not 52 by the time we hook up.
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