Monday, August 18, 2003
Stupid doldrums...
This post is a bit on the down side, so if you're not in the mood for somewhat sad, you might want read about toupees or the skirt/tummy connection or maybe even the joys of shaving. I'll freely admit that some of this low feeling may have something to do with PMS, but not all of it. Besides, it's my 'blog and I'll pout if I want to. So there. *raspberry* *wink*
Today was one of those days that was just a little hard on the ol' self-esteem. Thing is, I brought it on myself.
A little over a week ago I touched upon my seeming inability to just concentrate on my work, preferring to waste time online instead. My boss has been dropping somewhat subtle hints here and there over the last few weeks that my online habits have been noticed, along with my frequent tardiness, and maybe I had better be careful. Today he basically let me know outright that, not only has it been noticed but some co-workers are not exactly pleased about it. I had already figured as much, since I had been getting a bit of a cold attitude from someone I previously counted as a friend. I guess today was just the day my horrid work habits had come home to roost. And, though part of me wants to get all righteous and upset about it, in all good conscience I can't.
What really gets me is that I know this about myself, it is something that seriously bothers me, but I'm having trouble correcting my habits. I don't wish to repeat myself, but I'm so profoundly bored by what I do that I cannot concentrate on my work. But I know I'm not the only one, so I wonder what it is about me that causes such lack of focus where others can just plow through work that they don't like. Is my brain just wired differently? I was recently told that I have an unusual perspective on stuff, so maybe my synapses fire differently than those around me. Or maybe my laziness, my lack of application has deeper, psychological roots. I have addressed it with my therapist, maybe it's time to go back to that.
I don't know, but whatever my fucking issue is, I need to find a way around it. It's causing problems for me, and for my co-workers. I overhead part of a conversation today that, even if it were not about me, could very well have been. If they were talking about me (and I'm pretty sure they were), some of the statements were on the mark. But other statements that suggested that I didn't care, that I just worked to get people behind me so that I'm don't get fired, and that I'd end up landing on feet? Those were totally off. I do care, very much. It hurts that my inaction has caused resentment. It hurts that my bad work habits might reflect poorly on my boss. I don't set out to get support just so I can laze around the office and set my own hours. And I seriously doubt that I'd end up landing on my feet if I were to get fired. But I have the feeling if I sat down with my co-workers, one in particular, and tried to apologize, she wouldn't believe that sincerity lay behind my words. She'd snort and roll her eyes, and I couldn't exactly blame her.
I can't keep this up. Until such a time that I get a job that doesn't bore me, that I can get excited about, I'm going to have to do a 180. And I have to keep up the good work habits. Or it's going to explode rather messily in my face.
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On top of it all, as I was walking home from the bus stop this evening, I was very sad that I didn't have anyone at home to greet me, to hear my problems or to just be a comforting presence. There are times I enjoy living alone. But those times are getting less and less frequent. I've lived alone for over six years. Much as I love my cats, and they do provide great companionship, they're not so good with the conversation or the human touch. If I feel like crying, wanting someone's arms to hold me, I just have to make do with my own arms. They're just not the same.
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Postscript - knowing me, I'll probably be over most of being a sad panda by tomorrow. However, it seems Tuesday's horoscope is warning against what I'm feeling today: "Be careful of falling into the self-pity trap, CAROL. You may have the tendency to put on a sour face and mope around until someone notices you and asks you what is wrong. If no one does, you might slowly develop a deep anger toward everyone around you, and pretty soon feel like you have no friends whatsoever. Your mood could then begin to worsen, and you might start snapping back when someone asks you a reasonable question. Be careful of sliding down this slippery slope to nowhere."
Maybe it's just time for a quick cry, then some light happy music to get me over these stupid doldrums. Hey, tomorrow's another day, right? And most likely, a brighter one.
Today was one of those days that was just a little hard on the ol' self-esteem. Thing is, I brought it on myself.
A little over a week ago I touched upon my seeming inability to just concentrate on my work, preferring to waste time online instead. My boss has been dropping somewhat subtle hints here and there over the last few weeks that my online habits have been noticed, along with my frequent tardiness, and maybe I had better be careful. Today he basically let me know outright that, not only has it been noticed but some co-workers are not exactly pleased about it. I had already figured as much, since I had been getting a bit of a cold attitude from someone I previously counted as a friend. I guess today was just the day my horrid work habits had come home to roost. And, though part of me wants to get all righteous and upset about it, in all good conscience I can't.
What really gets me is that I know this about myself, it is something that seriously bothers me, but I'm having trouble correcting my habits. I don't wish to repeat myself, but I'm so profoundly bored by what I do that I cannot concentrate on my work. But I know I'm not the only one, so I wonder what it is about me that causes such lack of focus where others can just plow through work that they don't like. Is my brain just wired differently? I was recently told that I have an unusual perspective on stuff, so maybe my synapses fire differently than those around me. Or maybe my laziness, my lack of application has deeper, psychological roots. I have addressed it with my therapist, maybe it's time to go back to that.
I don't know, but whatever my fucking issue is, I need to find a way around it. It's causing problems for me, and for my co-workers. I overhead part of a conversation today that, even if it were not about me, could very well have been. If they were talking about me (and I'm pretty sure they were), some of the statements were on the mark. But other statements that suggested that I didn't care, that I just worked to get people behind me so that I'm don't get fired, and that I'd end up landing on feet? Those were totally off. I do care, very much. It hurts that my inaction has caused resentment. It hurts that my bad work habits might reflect poorly on my boss. I don't set out to get support just so I can laze around the office and set my own hours. And I seriously doubt that I'd end up landing on my feet if I were to get fired. But I have the feeling if I sat down with my co-workers, one in particular, and tried to apologize, she wouldn't believe that sincerity lay behind my words. She'd snort and roll her eyes, and I couldn't exactly blame her.
I can't keep this up. Until such a time that I get a job that doesn't bore me, that I can get excited about, I'm going to have to do a 180. And I have to keep up the good work habits. Or it's going to explode rather messily in my face.
On top of it all, as I was walking home from the bus stop this evening, I was very sad that I didn't have anyone at home to greet me, to hear my problems or to just be a comforting presence. There are times I enjoy living alone. But those times are getting less and less frequent. I've lived alone for over six years. Much as I love my cats, and they do provide great companionship, they're not so good with the conversation or the human touch. If I feel like crying, wanting someone's arms to hold me, I just have to make do with my own arms. They're just not the same.
Postscript - knowing me, I'll probably be over most of being a sad panda by tomorrow. However, it seems Tuesday's horoscope is warning against what I'm feeling today: "Be careful of falling into the self-pity trap, CAROL. You may have the tendency to put on a sour face and mope around until someone notices you and asks you what is wrong. If no one does, you might slowly develop a deep anger toward everyone around you, and pretty soon feel like you have no friends whatsoever. Your mood could then begin to worsen, and you might start snapping back when someone asks you a reasonable question. Be careful of sliding down this slippery slope to nowhere."
Maybe it's just time for a quick cry, then some light happy music to get me over these stupid doldrums. Hey, tomorrow's another day, right? And most likely, a brighter one.
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United States, California, Los Angeles, San Fernando Valley, English, Carol, Female, 36-40.
