Monday, June 23, 2003
So, Carol, what'cha been doin'...
... in the last year and a half?
Good question. Not quite sure.
Actually it's been a rollicking not-so-great time over at Chez Carol. Since the last time I graced the pages of online journaling, I had to go to the emergency room for chest pains (which turned out to be stress-induced costochondritis), watched as family members feuded and went through a rather serious depression due to family and work issues, which friends busted through after asking if they had pissed me off, since I hadn't spoken to many of them in months. Soon after the depression started to lift my family found out that my father wasn't the man we thought he was, some of the details being unsavory enough to cut him out of the family permanently, causing my mom to leave him and file for divorce, whereupon there was much familial strife over the course of the holidays.
I got hired on permanently at the company where I was temping, but am discovering that it doesn't quite pay enough for me to be able to live off. And the politics are, in many ways, worse than Disney ever was, in part, I believe, due to the smaller size of the company. So I'm looking for another job. Again.
In addition, through a combination of my own embarrassing irresponsibility and a lowish salary, I lost my beloved Saturn and am currently finding myself carless. So I've been re-discovering the joys of public transportation. Pluses: I don't have to fight the traffic. I can catch up on my reading as I commute. I'm not contributing to the massive traffic snarls. And the people watching is fascinating. Minuses: it takes me approximately two hours (one way) to get to and from work. Many Los Angeles buses are notoriously late, which causes me to miss the buses that are actually on time. It's difficult for me to go somewhere on a whim and many times I rely on friends to drive me home from social engagements (though, to be fair, most of them offer to drive me before I can even ask). And some of those people that I get to people-watch? Are more than a little on the scary side.
However, life hasn't been all Sturm und Drang. Though my job is leaving me less than thrilled, though it I've met some wonderful, generous people that I love dearly, including my immediate boss (who is ten years younger than me and cooler than cool). One of my oldest friends married a pretty good guy and my baby sister is engaged to another pretty good guy. My friends have, once again, proven to be the most kick-ass friends in the history of the universe, being supportive beyond belief.
As I've mentioned before, I've joined a writing group, consisting of five other women who listen to the pieces being read, most of which are deeply personal, with nary a judgment about the writer and the gentlest, but most salient of criticisms being offered. And support a plenty to be found. Heck, one of them, a USC sociology professor, has a book being published in September of this year, in which all the members of the writing group appear in the acknowledgements.
I've also discovered the wonders of therapy and was lucky enough to land an excellent therapist the first time out, someone who keeps reminding me not to beat myself up so hard about things I feel I haven't accomplished, but to look at the real reasons why I'm not doing what I want to be doing in life, but to also be practical about my life. My self-esteem, low in my youth, but high for most of my twenties, has been rather blown to bits of late and she has helped me in the rebuilding of it. There's still a bit to go, but I do feel much better than I did this time last year.
Sometimes I find myself ruminating on recent events, feeling the darkness pull me down. Then I remind myself that all of this is temporary and that I'm a very lucky person, when all is said and done. Over the last couple of weeks I renewed contact with a friend that I had lost touch with for several years. He sent to me the following Jill Sobule lyrics:
I don't want to get bitter
I don't want to turn cruel
I don't want to get old before I have to.
He said that he tries to hold on to that sentiment.
So shall I.
Good question. Not quite sure.
Actually it's been a rollicking not-so-great time over at Chez Carol. Since the last time I graced the pages of online journaling, I had to go to the emergency room for chest pains (which turned out to be stress-induced costochondritis), watched as family members feuded and went through a rather serious depression due to family and work issues, which friends busted through after asking if they had pissed me off, since I hadn't spoken to many of them in months. Soon after the depression started to lift my family found out that my father wasn't the man we thought he was, some of the details being unsavory enough to cut him out of the family permanently, causing my mom to leave him and file for divorce, whereupon there was much familial strife over the course of the holidays.
I got hired on permanently at the company where I was temping, but am discovering that it doesn't quite pay enough for me to be able to live off. And the politics are, in many ways, worse than Disney ever was, in part, I believe, due to the smaller size of the company. So I'm looking for another job. Again.
In addition, through a combination of my own embarrassing irresponsibility and a lowish salary, I lost my beloved Saturn and am currently finding myself carless. So I've been re-discovering the joys of public transportation. Pluses: I don't have to fight the traffic. I can catch up on my reading as I commute. I'm not contributing to the massive traffic snarls. And the people watching is fascinating. Minuses: it takes me approximately two hours (one way) to get to and from work. Many Los Angeles buses are notoriously late, which causes me to miss the buses that are actually on time. It's difficult for me to go somewhere on a whim and many times I rely on friends to drive me home from social engagements (though, to be fair, most of them offer to drive me before I can even ask). And some of those people that I get to people-watch? Are more than a little on the scary side.
However, life hasn't been all Sturm und Drang. Though my job is leaving me less than thrilled, though it I've met some wonderful, generous people that I love dearly, including my immediate boss (who is ten years younger than me and cooler than cool). One of my oldest friends married a pretty good guy and my baby sister is engaged to another pretty good guy. My friends have, once again, proven to be the most kick-ass friends in the history of the universe, being supportive beyond belief.
As I've mentioned before, I've joined a writing group, consisting of five other women who listen to the pieces being read, most of which are deeply personal, with nary a judgment about the writer and the gentlest, but most salient of criticisms being offered. And support a plenty to be found. Heck, one of them, a USC sociology professor, has a book being published in September of this year, in which all the members of the writing group appear in the acknowledgements.
I've also discovered the wonders of therapy and was lucky enough to land an excellent therapist the first time out, someone who keeps reminding me not to beat myself up so hard about things I feel I haven't accomplished, but to look at the real reasons why I'm not doing what I want to be doing in life, but to also be practical about my life. My self-esteem, low in my youth, but high for most of my twenties, has been rather blown to bits of late and she has helped me in the rebuilding of it. There's still a bit to go, but I do feel much better than I did this time last year.
Sometimes I find myself ruminating on recent events, feeling the darkness pull me down. Then I remind myself that all of this is temporary and that I'm a very lucky person, when all is said and done. Over the last couple of weeks I renewed contact with a friend that I had lost touch with for several years. He sent to me the following Jill Sobule lyrics:
I don't want to get bitter
I don't want to turn cruel
I don't want to get old before I have to.
He said that he tries to hold on to that sentiment.
So shall I.
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United States, California, Los Angeles, San Fernando Valley, English, Carol, Female, 36-40.
